Never Judge A Book By Its Cover

Nostalgic

2009-09-29T17:17:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I wrote a post on this blog. I had the urge to wait until November just so the dates would be exact but I will restrain myself. No one reads not that I had tons of readers even when I was active but I find I can't delete the blog. So I am going to have to think of some way to breathe life into it again. I am thinking HNTs but to be honest after awhile even those seemed to get old. How many angles can I post before I am just showing the same thing over and over or worse getting bolder and bolder in a desperate attempt to get attention?

TMI Tuesday #159

2008-11-04T15:59:00.000-05:00

1. Have you ever had a moving violation? An auto accident? That was your fault? Nope, I had 2 accidents within a year of getting my license but neither were my fault. And then I went nearly 15 years without an accident until a couple of years ago and I had my 2nd one in January. Hopefully I will have another 15 year period without them.

2. Have you ever voted? How old were you the first time you voted? I vote in all elections, local and national. My first vote was in 1988 when I turned 18.

3. Are you glad this election cycle is over? Yes, I am so happy. I wonder what the media will talk about now actually.

4. Do you have guilty pleasure? What is it (or are they)? Too many to list. But the short list, True Blood and So You Think You Can Dance; ABBA and the Strobe (disco radio station); chef boyardee and grilled cheese for dinner...

5. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done recently? Hmm hand sex in the movie theater probably borders on tacky but it was also embarrassing.

Bonus: How much impact has the Wall Street and general economic wilt had on you? Well I lost more in my 401K than I received in the stimulus check for one thing. But other than my 401K, driving around less, shopping less, scrimping on food, and watching my electric bill...it hasn't affected me at all (insert sarcasm here).

TMI Tuesday #157

2008-10-21T13:02:00.002-04:00

1. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience? When I was dating hubby I used to feel pressured all the time and whenever I would "give in" I would feel ashamed afterwards because I wasn't strong enough to stick to my guns.

2. Did you ever own a fake ID? nope

3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking? Not often, I am one of those "to be perfectly honest" kind of people.

4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism? 6 maybe even 5. My need to be perfect at everything makes it very difficult to accept any kind of criticism.

5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair? wow this is truly a TMI question lol. The short answer, yes.

Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? I think at least 50% of women could handle this type of relationship if men stick to their end of the bargain. ie, don't get all territorial or controlling. How about men? I think at first all men could handle it but I think for the larger percentage it would only be a matter of time before their competitive nature and insecurities would make such a relationship impossible.

TMI Tuesday #154

2008-09-30T16:20:00.002-04:00

1. What do you feel is the difference between sexy and erotic? The outfit I wore for SE on the cruise...sexy. The sound the fabric made when he tore it off me...erotic.

2. Do you believe there is one right person (i.e. soul mate) for you out there in the world, or that there can be many different potential mates that you could live blissfully with? I think we are all too complex for one person to be our only soul mate for life. I think there are many different potential mates.

3. Do you need to hear "I love you" or similar words on a regular basis from your partner? It's weird as a kid I never heard the words and I make a point to say them to my sons on a regular basis because I did miss hearing it as a kid. But I don't have the same need in romantic relationships. For some reason I don't find the words as authentic romantically as they are when you say them to your child.

4. What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing? I am not very good at expressing feelings, opinions yes. How I feel not so much. So it's hard to just pick one. I have difficulty expressing most emotions, well maybe anger, I don't seem to have a problem expressing that.

5. What is worse - physical, mental or cyber cheating? Ugh the cheating question there always seems to be one. I don't find cheating a terrible ill of morality. Deception and lies would hurt me more and it really wouldn't matter what vehicle was used to achieve it, physical, mental, or cyber.

Bonus (as in optional): The Kinsey scale attempts to describe a person's sexual history or episodes of their sexual activity at a given time. It uses a scale from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. Where are you - TODAY - on the scale? My gut instinct is to go with 3 because I am always in the middle. And intellectually that is true. I don't really think hetero or homo I feel much more pansexual about things. BUT when I try to envision sexual gratification without a guy it's just hard to imagine. So that's 100% hetero isn't it...But if the question was overall I would say 3 but since it's a sexual history/activity I have to go with 0.

HNT-55

2008-09-25T17:31:00.003-04:00

Not the best quality photo ever. It's a photo SE took with my cell phone of the outfit I bought for the cruise. Tom it's not scratch and sniff but SE didn't seem to mind ;)

Happy HNT.

HNT-54

2008-09-18T09:30:00.002-04:00

The rear view SE seems to love so much but between you and me I honestly don't get. My stomach and abs now those I am proud of that cottage cheese back there? Not so much...But hey he seems to like it so I am obliged to send him a thank you note with view he likes best right?

Happy HNT

Your result for How geeky are you?...

2008-09-16T18:21:00.000-04:00

Cool Introvert

You scored 50% Geeky, 79% Cranial and 39% Introverted! Brilliant! This is so very exciting because you have managed to maintain your intelligence yet steer clear of the path to geekiness. You are the rarest of the rare, not many people score in this category. I don't know if you realize the delicate balance between smarts and geekiness, yet you have overcome!!

You most likely have a strong passion for reading or some other hobby you can cultivate on your own, and this can be a wonderful creative outlet. Make sure you take the time to develop strong interpersonal relationships as they may not come as easily to you, though they are vital for a fulfilling life. It takes much effort to maintain them at times, but their benefits far outweigh their draw backs.

Thanks 2am!

Take How geeky are you? at HelloQuizzy

Online Dating Persona Test

2008-09-13T12:41:00.006-04:00

The Peach

Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)

Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.

You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.

Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.

Your exact female opposite:

The Nymph

Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

Always avoid: The False Messiah (DBLM)

Consider: The Loverboy (RGLM), The Playboy (RGSM), The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - dating services | Dating
My profile name: : foxxybrown70

HNT-53

2008-09-11T23:38:00.000-04:00

SE bought this for me to wear when I am in Charleston. What do you think?

Happy HNT.

TMI Tuesday #151

2008-09-09T23:06:00.001-04:00

1. Describe the perfect date for YOURSELF... what you would enjoy most. I had the perfect date with SE Labor Day weekend. We went out to a friends for a party and afterwards we sat up and watched this old Clint Eastwood movie we both liked as kids drank wine and ate cookies in bed. What could be better?

2. Do you lean more toward being submissive or dominant? I am submissive but I have been accused of being passive aggressive at times and I probably can be. I'll have to submit to your judgment on that ;)

3. What do you usually wear to bed? Depends. If it's just me pajama bottoms and a tank top.

4. Have you ever seen a counselor? Yes, when Corey was about 7 years old I was close to a nervous breakdown I think. But I never told anyone I went to see her. It was like the biggest failure to me that I couldn't handle things.

5. Lights on or off? Lights on, unless I was asleep at first then lights off.

Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: Have you or a partner ever faked an orgasm? I can't speak for a partner, I don't think I have had one fake it but you never know. I faked when I was really young just starting out but not much even then. I was never a fan of sex without enjoying it. I always had the mettle I needed to just say I wasn't in the mood if I wasn't.

7 Things

2008-09-04T21:24:00.000-04:00

This was shamelessly stolen from Fusion

7 things I plan to do before I die

1. Travel to Kenya, Rome, and Madrid.
2. Have a close relationship with my mom.
3. Go back to school and get a degree.
4. Travel the U.S. (especially the west coast).
5. Finish remodeling my house.
6. manage a long term polymorous relationship (s)
7. Volunteer (some kind of Angelina Jolie mission where I save a small village in Africa or something)...

7 things I can do

1. Stay in the moment
2. make mac n cheese like my grandmother's
3. multi-task
4. I am good with house plants
5. Excellent memory almost photographic at times.
6. make people feel better feel loved and cared for
7. debate ;)

7 things I cannot do

1. Swim
2. Float
3. hold a grudge
4. play an instrument
5. dance
6. Speak another language
7. lower my pride

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex

1. strength
2. passion
3. sense of humor
4. Manners
5. Personality
6. Self confidence
7. nice smile

7 things I say most often

1. Fuck
2. so whatever
3. seriously?
4. No worries
5. it is what it is
6. wow
7. Really?

7 celebrity crushes

1. LL Cool J
2. Pierce Brosnan
3. Morris Chestnut
4. Madeline Stowe
5. Anderson Cooper
6. Rob Brown
7. Ashley Judd

7 people who need to do this

1. need?
2. seriously?
3. no worries
4. so whatever
5. fuck
6. it is what it is
7. wow

LOL..

TMI Tuesday #150

2008-09-01T23:16:00.002-04:00

1. When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down? I am pretty oblivious to that sort of thing. Someone has to come right out and say "hey I am interested in you" for me to think they are being anything more than friendly or chatty. So I honestly can't remember the last time I was hit on. I probably walked away thinking what an interesting guy never considering he was trying to get my phone number or something.

2. If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)? I really hate this question and it seems to always turn up on these things. How can I fantasize about Denzel Washington or whomever? They are famous people playing a role. Do I say hey I would want to be with the character he played in Mighty Quinn? I guess if I am trying to deem someone partner worthy based on how they present themselves in public and their sex appeal I would have to go with Chuck D from Public Enemy. He is black and sometimes angry but always intelligent and well spoken. He is a black man who would never sell out for money or fame. He will never apologize for the anger in his voice or try to water down who he is to make others feel comfortable. But he still demands the respect of whomever he is speaking with because his intelligence can't be denied.

3. Have you ever done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment? No, I won't ever mix my paycheck with my personal life. Too messy.

4. Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out? I apologize no one can be right all of the time especially me. And I appreciate when I am called out. I always feel the person must really care about me and trust that I can handle criticism to tell me if I have stepped over the line.

5. Top or bottom? Yes :) and side...

Bonus (as in optional): How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience? A willing sexual experience? Hmm...That is a tough question because when I was in my teen stage there was a lot of the no, no, yes, yes behavior. But then boys were pretty aggressive always bugging me trying to get into my pants. I guess I was 20 or 21 before the sexual experience was about me really wanting sex instead of about the guy.

The Perception Personality Image Test

2008-08-28T23:13:00.000-04:00

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NFPS - The Guru

Nature, Foreground, Big Picture, and Shape

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the shapes around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You prefer a structured environment within which to live and you like things to be predictable.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

TMI Tuesday 149- When you wish upon a star edition

2008-08-26T14:12:00.003-04:00

You find a fairy. With a wave of their wand they can change anything for you.

What is the one thing you would change about your body? Nothing I like my body as it is. Oh wait my feet I want an arch, I hate having flat feet.

What is the one personality trait you would change? Nothing I like my personality as it is. Oh wait I can be a bit of a know it all sometimes so I would like to change that.

What is the one thing about your job you would change? Nothing I hate my job the way it is :) But I would hate any job. If anything I would ask the fairy to make me independently wealthy so I wouldn't need a job.

What is the one thing about your home you would change? The 70s...anything left over that screams this house was built in 1972.

What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change? I wish he lived closer. But there isn't anything I would change about him as a person.

Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why? My ex...it would be so much easier for me to accept him not being there for the boys if he wasn't there period.

Who is the one person you would poof back in and why? A 2nd V...you can never have too many fairy god mothers in your life.

HNT-52

2008-08-21T09:48:00.006-04:00

It has been a good long while since I posted a HNT. I figured it was way past time to remedy that. But the main reason I haven't posted one is I have run out of ideas for HNTs. So I figured I would go back to the basics. My outfit for work yesterday. Just your average skirt and top.

But there is usually a surprise underneath...Happy HNT.

TMI Tuesday #148

2008-08-19T17:10:00.002-04:00

1. Are you truly politically correct? Be honest. Yes and no. My favorite phrase and this is not an exaggeration I probably say it at least 10 times a day is "to be perfectly honest" and then go off on how I really feel about the subject :) Do I say things out of turn? No. Do I speak when not spoken to? No. Do I floss at the dinner table? No? So I don't think I am politically incorrect but I can be damn opinionated without a doubt.

2. Will you ever streak in public during rush hour? No. But not because I am especially modest, just because I think streaking is a dumb thing to do.

3. Would you ever do something sexual in public (more than 20 people around)? Define "something sexual" :) If giving a hand job, basic under the skirt hand stuff, or clamp play, and or bondage under my clothes counts. Then yes I would and have.

4. Do you ever not have good table manners? No, I always have good table manners even when I am alone.

5. Do you ever fantasize about a public sexual act? Describe. I have a fantasy of participating in a bondage scene with this hot red headed rigger, top, and photographer I know. One were I am tied, suspended, and a little toy play is added...until I laugh, climax or both in a horrified gasp on stage. This is only a fantasy though I would never do it.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever gone through a true sexual fantasy? Describe. Describe a sexual fantasy of mine that came to life...wow I think I will pass on that one!

TMI Tuesday #147 - "Out" Magazine Edition

2008-08-12T17:21:00.003-04:00

1. What is your favorite song to have sex to? Do people really have back ground music when they have sex??? I find this question weird. But in fantasies...like if I am reading fan fiction or slash...maybe watching a television show where I am creating a new pairing (ashton and diddy are big for me right now) I have "bedtime story" by Madonna in my head typically.

2. What is your vision of hell? working and still living in poverty.

3. In the film made of your life, who will play you? Janet Jackson

4. What is the one thing you most urgently need to tell your mom? Life is too short to judge...leave that to the powers that be.

5. What will be carved onto your tombstone? I don't want a tombstone, I asked to be cremated.

And the bonus: What is your drag name (which would be, first name: the name of your first pet; last name: the name of the street you grew up on)? Candy Markland...how funny!

Excluded...

2008-05-31T10:55:00.004-04:00

Last night I decided to meet my SIL and nephews at Zuma's. She was meeting her sister and niece along with some co-workers who were bringing their children there after work. And I thought it would be a fun outing for Cam because he found out yesterday he will be on the honor roll again this quarter. He is graduating from elementary school next week and so his teacher wanted him to know he was graduating with honors :) So anyway he is all excited about middle school next year and summer break coming up and finishing with such high marks. So I figured Zuma's would be a fun way to celebrate. I called her right before I left work to see if she was still going and to get directions. And then I called V to check on Corey's mood. When she answered the phone I could barely recognize her voice because her allergies were acting up. She said Corey was in a pretty good mood...nice and calm. But once I heard her voice it didn't matter because I wouldn't leave him with her I am sure she needed and wanted a break. Besides she had Corey most of Memorial Day weekend and I always try to be sensitive to how much time she spends with him.

Now I must insert here that I sometimes forget the limitations Corey places on me. I will go through a period of relative peace, at least for me. Scheduling will work out with V for a period of time and I will get lulled into thinking I can just pick up and do things like the average person would. So I went to pick Corey up then Cam and we headed off to the fun center. When I called my SIL to let her know I was there and got her voicemail I instantly remembered how she can be. She doesn't tell me about plans and events to invite me. She mentions them to exclude me. She will send out an email on Thursday with this list of things she is going to do knowing I probably can't go. It's a 10 year long event so I am not sure why I was taken off guard. But despite the fact that my nephew and Cam are only 8 months apart, me and my SIL went to the same school and she lived down the street from my ex, and she is married to my brother :)...she has never actually invited me to an event. She will just tell me what is up and on some rare instances I will show up. So last night was one of those rare instances, V wasn't available so I had Corey in tow, and the moment Cam saw where we were heading his eyes gleamed with excitement. Certainly everyone already knows what happened next.

Corey had a good old fashioned full fledged melt down...the kind he hasn't had since he began taking medication. And once it got started there was no stopping it. But I didn't want to make Cam leave so I took Corey to the car until I could come up with a plan B. No such luck Corey kept running out of the car, beating the doors, running back inside and then back outside and then all through out the parking lot. So time to think of a plan B went out the window. I pretty much just dragged him to the car and left. Now I know I shouldn't have left Cam there. But the situation became pretty sticky really quickly, my SIL and brother were there, and I really didn't want to make Cam leave. So I rode off with Corey, I went around the corner to the mall and walked around...bought him a treat (yes I know I was rewarding poor behavior but desperate times call for desperate measures). By the time we blew about an hour at the mall Corey was calm. So I stopped to pick up dinner and then headed back to the fun center. I walked in and there was Cam in the game room having a blast. He was all sweaty with stories of how he wrecked the go cart and tried his luck at the batting cage. I asked him where his aunt and uncle were and he hunched and said he didn't know. "When they saw Corey acting up in the parking lot they just walked off and I just went and played on my own...but don't worry mom I had a great time" when he added don't worry mom I had a great time I fixed my face because I have to assume my anger was showing. But damn it sure is nice to have that whole village helping me raise my child (insert sarcasm here)...

I know I shouldn't be frustrated by the same old crap 16 years in but sadly this stuff still hurts no matter how many times it happens.

"Special" needs...

2008-05-21T17:59:00.002-04:00

A portion of a journal entry from a few weeks ago...

Corey discovered his penis a little over a year or so ago. I have left that whole situation alone. I know he masturbates, I do the laundry after all. And to be honest I am relieved he figured out how to relieve the raging hormones I know he must be experiencing at 16 without me having to intervene. I mean talk about ick, try the idea of teaching your 16 year old how to rub one off when he can't sleep! So he figured it out, phew for me. I have been able to keep it light not make a production out of the erections etc. and if we are in public and he has more than 5 minutes on his hands and I start to see the attention heading south I can just say in a very matter of fact voice "Corey get out of your pants, or leave your pants alone" and he moves right on along. Which is another phew as far as I am concerned. But on Thursday the principal called me...this is not his old school thank God so it wasn't a call to pick Corey up, or a call threatening to sue me. No the principal just wanted to make me aware that Corey cupped a girls vagina in school. Sigh...yep as she put it (he touched one of the female student's genitalia) and he seemed to know where he was going and what he was doing....Double sigh. Yes I know he is just a 16 year old boy and I knew this would become an issue sooner or later but like any other parent I was really hoping for later. Much later if you want to know the truth. So the principal told me what happened, she said the teacher ran over right away and told Corey to stop but didn't make too big of a deal over it. And just moved him to another task. Ok, but we all know this isn't going to go away. And if 15% of my angst is having to deal with this at all the other 85% is that my son really won't be able to experience something so fundamental. What I wouldn't give for him to be a normal 16 year old...with his first real girlfriend copping a feel on his girlfriend over the long weekend during a movie or something. But unfortunately that isn't the way this is going to be for him. And with every milestone, with every incident, and issue I am reminded that my son won't have the "normal" life we prize and at the same time take for granted so much.

So fast forward to this week when SE told me he just found out his son's girlfriend is pregnant.. He has a 16 year old son too. He just showed off the pictures from the prom last week. I honestly didn't know what to say...what words of advice to give. And I wonder how on earth I would handle the same situation. I swear at the end of the day it doesn't matter if your child is typical or special needs...parenting is just hard.

HNT-51

2008-05-08T09:25:00.003-04:00

It has been awhile since I posted a HNT so I figured I would come back with a bang...

Happy HNT.

To post or not to post...

2008-05-06T14:33:00.006-04:00

I am surprisingly undecided about what to do with this blog. I am not inspired to kill it but lately I haven't found the time to write a post. I find it much easier to journal to just write what is going on in my day to day. But this blog had a different tone to it and of course I have other places where I journal...

So what has been going on in Cat's world? Well it appears the cure all that was amatadine and respirdal is starting to wear off with Corey. This makes me sad in a way I can't even articulate because it speaks to my biggest fear about starting medication in the 1st place. Which is where does it end? Will we be in a constant adding and adjusting medication phase for the rest of his days? It appears so and I won't lie as nice as the quiet was. And I must say considering what the year before was like this year has been relatively quiet. There is still a big part of me that wishes I had never started the meds. Friday was the 1st day this school year where someone called and asked me to pick Corey up. And he had a pretty nice fit...and it's been awhile so it took everyone including me and V off guard. When I went to pick him up from V's yesterday she admitted she gave him an extra half pill of respirdal because he was in rare form. And I know she was right to do it. But it makes me sad maybe it's just a reminder that he is autistic and nothing is going to change it. Maybe it's as simple as that but either way I am struggling with it.

I met someone yeah I probably should repeat that for those who don't read me elsewhere. I MET SOMEONE. And he is handsome and sweet and into me and quiet and calm and he makes me feel special and relaxed. When he came to visit me (because he lives in Charleston) he actually asked "so why me" Can you imagine? He wanted to know what he did to meet someone like me...and lately I have to admit I have been wondering the same thing...could it be that in the middle of my constant angst over being mom supreme that I could have met someone special? It is much too early to say for sure but right now it appears so. And I guess it's a good thing I had the accident because my old car never would have made the jaunts to Charleston I always seem to be making lately.

I have been in a bit of a dilemma with Presidential race. I have always liked Hilary despite what most others say but could I resist the opportunity to vote for Barrack? I guess we will find out today because the primaries are here and I have to make up my mind one way or another...

HNT-50

2008-03-20T07:28:00.001-04:00

(nothing lasts forever) I figured I would go ahead and post the icing on my 70s camp cake. Yeah Roonie and I really went there with the wig, the make up, and the outfits...and to add insult to injury she even had a disco ball. What more does a girl need?

Happy HNT.

HNT-49

2008-03-13T18:02:00.004-04:00

(bye bye baby)
Tom says he can't rate my bottom without a video. But I think this pic does a fairly good job of showing off my backside.

Happy HNT.

HNT-48

2008-02-28T07:15:00.003-05:00

(you snooze and you lose)

What can I say about a photo with me in a gold sparkle dress with a big afro wig and gold make-up?

Umm Happy HNT.

Update-HNT

2008-02-17T21:01:00.005-05:00

John since you asked so nicely about updates I figured I would post the pic I took for the last HNT. I have been so behind in posting. If almost a month without a post hasn't already given that away. But I figured I would start back up with a HNT since Valentine is also my birthday. But I ran out of time.

Better late than never?

Craig...

2008-01-12T13:51:00.001-05:00

A picture is worth a thousand words right? Well after I totaled my totaled car on Tuesday night I had to finally break down and replace him. Yes I name my cars it's one of those silly little things. Jeffrey the best car I ever had. A 1995 Toyota Camry. The most reliable thing on the road. And after 280,000 plus miles and 2 accidents that car still cranked Tuesday night to bring me home safely one last time. So I have to take a moment of silence for him...I am really going to miss that car. It may have been old but it was well made...it drove great...the a/c worked...and I had my satellite radio...what more does a girl need? Well a trunk that closes probably and a driver's side door that opens from the outside might also be helpful. But I will say if it weren't for the accident last year I would have happily driven Jeffrey for another 100,000 miles. But since that is not possible say hello to Craig. My new car. Well he is new to me anyway.

HNT-47

2008-01-10T07:15:00.000-05:00

TwistedMonk's boy pants, the hoodie, and a tank. My wardrobe for the photos I took on Saturday with Roonie. And the best I can do for the 1st HNT of 2008...

But I will get back into the swing of posting regularly. In the meantime.

Happy HNT.

HNT in review

2007-12-27T21:48:00.001-05:00

Hmm, I know I am late but hell that pretty much sums up 2007 so why not finish out the year in true late fashion? This year was the 1st for me to have a digital camera so I have to admit I have a special place for HNT-15 just because it was the 1st. But my favorite of the year would have to be...

Cast free, definitely. I have been slack the past few weeks with HNT. You start running out of ideas you know. But I plan to start 2008 off with a bang ;)

You, Me, and She Part 3

2007-12-16T23:12:00.000-05:00

It was pouring yesterday and cold...it probably didn't help that it was 75 degrees last weekend. It only makes 35 degrees seem even colder. Anyway for some reason Corey was chosen for secret Santa this year. And a very nice family showed up at my house with bags of food, clothing, and toys. I was very surprised to say the least and from the look on the dad's face he wasn't expecting my house and tree either. But I figured since this surprising thing happened and I honestly wasn't in need I would give it to people who I knew were in need.

Now my mom pissed me off going on and on about paying her for checking on Cam. But the truth is she really needs the money. And it's because I know she does that I haven't said forget it and put Cam back in after school. So I parceled out the food and I took some to her last night. When I got there she seemed so pleased. W (her husband) had gotten more of her things, most of them actually out of storage. And she was unpacking all her knick knacks, her art, her personal items and placing them on shelves. She even thanked me which she had not done in the almost 4 years since she moved. You see when mom sold her house it was because she didn't want to lose it. The buyer asked for a 10 day close. So I drive up to mom's house and when I say her home was filled to the brim with things...things as far as the eye can see, I am not exaggerating. My mom had things EVERYWHERE...And I did the unthinkable, I called hubby and asked for his help. I never call him...NEVER but I knew there was no way mom and I were going to get all her stuff moved without help. I paid for a moving truck, I bought packing supplies, I called my SIL and my brother, and I took a week off work. And we carefully wrapped and packed her things for her. Because I knew how important they were to her and what a blow having to sell her house was for her. Anyway so as she has been unpacking she has become aware of the care we took to protect her things. And even though almost all of her tables were glass and most of her knick knacks were breakable. Not one single thing was damaged.

So today I woke up and the sun was out...it was cold but at least it wasn't raining like yesterday. I kept the boys with me and went to my grandmother's to drop off the bulk of the food I received. When I arrived I noticed she didn't have much in the refrigerator and she didn't have anything in the cupboards. I asked her what had been going on and she explained that her rent has gone up and it will take most of her monthly social security money. Her cable is off (obviously) but the VCR I bought her was broken too. So after I took stock of what things I could bring to add to the food I told her I would go home and get the spare VCR I had in the garage and see what I could do about the television. As I was getting ready to leave she asked me if mom had moved all of her stuff out of storage. I said I think they had moved most of it and she asked about a chest of drawers she had. I told her I wasn't sure what happened to it but I would ask mom. Now I need to insert here that other than the twin bed my uncle left her with and the things I bring over when I visit her apartment is empty. I mean I brought curtains and pots, just stuff whenever I can. But she doesn't have a lot. And she keeps her clothes in a big plastic bin I bought to help mom move. As I am leaving mom calls me. And I tell her I am leaving grandma's and that I brought her the food and I am going to check on the VCR blah blah blah...and I ask her about the chest of drawers. Mom says " I don't think I have it, I think it was damaged and W threw it away...besides the more stuff you put in there the more stuff we will have to move out."

Now I must tell you nothing pisses me off more than mom's attitude about grandma and how she is going to die soon anyway and we will be left to get rid of her stuff. To me it's the height of hypocrisy on her part. Umm hello isn't she the one that my brother and I expended much energy on moving and storing her stuff? I had stuff, my brother had stuff, we spent over a week moving stuff, hell she still wants me to keep a lot of it in my garage because her new place can't even hold it all. She was in pure bliss yesterday unwrapping all her ceramic figurines...but grandma shouldn't even want a chest of drawers to put her clothes in? UGH. Mom and my sister in law have been in a ridiculous argument over her 60 inch big screen. My SIL thinks since they gave my mom a room for 3 1/2 years and mom had no problem keeping the tv with them that she should leave it with them. And of course mom took her tv...I mean it's stuff of course she is going to buy a house full, worry over it, fight over it, and ultimately try to keep all of it. But again my grandmother being able to watch old movies on a VCR I keep in the garage is a big deal...More stuff we will have to move when she is gone.

I try not to engage with mom because nothing good comes from it. So I just said well I don't think a chest of drawers, a twin bed, and a couch is going to be that big of a deal to move. So she asked me what was she keeping her clothes in now. So I told her "one of the big plastic bins, you know the ones I bought to help you move?" Silence...of course there is silence on the other end now. So she says she is in traffic and she will call me back later. I go home and sure enough I have a spare VCR in the garage and an antennae. So I get that and my artificial tree and the decorations I didn't use and pack it in the car. Then I went to the grocery store to get her a few extra things.

Grandma was so happy when I hooked up the antennae and she was able to at least watch regular television...I hooked up the VCR and put up the tree. Cam told her we came back to bring her Christmas cheer and she smiled at him. And she surprised me with bulbs...it turned out that she bought bulbs last year for a tree but never got around to buying a tree...I took care of her and then headed home and big surprise my phone is ringing with mom calling me back...

Mom: So you bought her a VCR?
Me: No I had a spare so I took that over there.
Mom: You know what I find amazing how mom can't remember things but she can remember she had a chest of drawers in my storage room.
Me: Yeah it is interesting what people remember...but mom I don't think she was being malicious...I think she knew you were moving and figured you were going to clear the storage room out anyway and wanted to ask about it before you got rid of it or something.
Mom: well it's damaged so she is just going to have to deal with the storage bin. She will probably not be able to get around her room with her walker with a big chest in there anyway.
Me: Mom I don't think it's a big deal that she wants to have a set of drawers for her clothes. I see them on sale for $99 bucks or less all the time. If she can't use her old one I will just buy her one.
Mom: Well I don't see why you keep filling that place up with stuff we are just going to have to move out anyway.
Me: Mom she is old she isn't dead...she doesn't remember things and she was an alcoholic. But now she is just an old lady who spends 95% of her time in this one bedroom apartment. I think it is natural to want to make the place you spend the most time in comfortable. When you are old I promise I will make sure you are comfortable...and I am going to do the same for grandma. I don't have a lot...but I can help to make her comfortable in her place. And I don't think it's that big of a deal.
Mom: well instead of worrying about a set of drawers she needs to worry about getting her soul right. Because she is going to die and go to hell if she doesn't start worrying about that...
Me: Mom you could say that about all of us...you could say that to me every time I go to the mall. I could get into a car accident right now on my way home. And everything I bought this week is just more stuff you are going to have to move out! And according to you aren't I going to die and go to hell too? Me, my brother, all of us? That doesn't stop us from wanting to be comfortable while we are here on earth! That doesn't stop us from wanting more than a twin bed in a one bedroom apartment. I know that you have issues with grandma but they aren't MY issues.
Mom: so did she like the tree?
Me: yeah, she even had bulbs to add to the decorations I brought. So it all turned out really nice and she seemed to enjoy it.
Mom: figures...

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pavilion of Women

2007-12-11T22:51:00.000-05:00

I have been in a weird mood lately. Not bad or good just weird. And when I came home tonight I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry for some reason. And then while flipping through the channels I discovered this movie on HBO. I didn't realize someone had made a movie of one of my favorite books but I was instantly annoyed with it. Like any movie it doesn't do the book justice but this left out so much it was wrong for them to even use the title. I guess it is just impossible for them to make a movie where the main characters don't touch. When I was 13 I discovered Pearl S. Buck and I probably read most of her books. But Pavilion of Women is my favorite by her. And after the shoddy retelling in this movie I have decided to buy the book and read it again...

Holiday blahs...

2007-12-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

I have been in a very strange mood lately. I have this feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment. Maybe it's just the holiday blahs, maybe it's mom's recent wedding, maybe it's the 70 degree weather the last couple of days...who knows. But I have done my best to keep my blahs to myself. I finished the tree and although it does look a bit like it should be in a hotel lobby...can I help it if I like matchy matchy? There is something about a real tree that I love.

HNT-46

2007-12-06T13:53:00.001-05:00

Last month's pic and not all that exciting. But hey at least I am smiling...I have been busy lately. Mom's move this past weekend and last night I bought our tree. It's moments like getting the tree into the house and into the tree stand that I remember being the single female can be a real pain. I struggled, pushed, and wound up with pine needles everywhere but after all the labor I finally did get the tree up. Tonight I will let the boys add the ornaments and we will be on our way. Oh and the tree smells wonderful. There is nothing like a real tree I must say. Hmm I appear to be rambling which is not my typical posting style. Oh well, random pic and a random post.

Oh and Happy HNT.

Big Surprise...

2007-12-02T15:47:00.000-05:00

Lets101 - online free dating

I can't say that I am surprised...well the part about being too sensitive and easily hurt. Who me?

Blah...

2007-11-30T12:01:00.000-05:00

(said a million times I think but you know the drill...snooze and lose)

I am trying very hard to focus my attention elsewhere. But I still have the face of someone who had their bike stolen or something. Mostly because that is what I feel like. I decided against HNT this week because Serenity put me to shame with hers...can we say WOW. No need in me trying to compete with that.

Anyway for those who may have missed it I decided to post a pic of me and Cam at mom's reception. After all the drama it turned into a wonderful family event.

Movie Meme...

2007-11-28T21:44:00.000-05:00

I stole this from Serenity who stole it from Trueself...SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 89 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 266 movies on this list. Copy this list. Then, put x's next to the movies you've seen, add them up, and share your number. Have fun!

(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
( ) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
( ) Boondock Saints
( ) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
(X) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
( ) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
( )KING KONG
( ) A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
( ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
( ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
( ) Flubber
( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(X) The Whole Nine Yards
(X) The Whole Ten Yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
(X) Remember the Titans
(X) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
( ) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
(X) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Seven
( ) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
(X) Bourne Identity
(X) Bourne Supremacy
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
( ) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
(X) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
(X) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(X) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
(X) War of the Worlds
(X) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2
( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
(X) Calendar Girls
(X) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
(X) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
(X) The Terminator 3
(X) X-Men
(X) X2
(X) X-3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
( ) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(X) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
( ) Shrek
( ) Shrek 2
( ) Swimfan
( ) Miracle on 34th street
( ) Old School
(X) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Kippendorf's Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
( ) The 40-year-old-virgin
( ) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
( ) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
( ) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
( ) Elf
( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
( ) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic (I hate to say I have never watched the entire movie but it's true but I have watched parts of the movie enough to say I have the gist of it ;)
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
( ) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
( ) Hook
( ) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
( ) Waterworld
(X) Kill Bill vol 1
(X) Kill Bill vol 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
( ) Army of Darkness
(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
(X) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
( ) Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
( ) Team America: World Police
( ) Red Dragon
( ) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal
( ) Battle Royale
( ) Battle Royale 2
( ) Brazil
( ) Contact
( ) Cube
( ) Dr. Strangelove
( ) Enlightenment Guaranteed
( ) Four Rooms
( ) Memento
( ) Pi
( ) Requiem for a Dream
(X) Pulp Fiction
( ) Reservoir Dogs
( ) Run Lola Run
( ) Russian Ark
( ) Serenity
( ) Sin City
( ) Snatch
( ) Spider
(X) The Sixth Sense
( ) The Village
( ) Waking Life
( ) Zatoichi
( ) Ikiru
( ) The Seven Samurai
( ) Brick
( ) Akira

It looks like I have seen 62 of them...but my count could be off :) Does this mean I have a life? Or does this mean a good number of the movies on this list weren't any good and I have great taste? Oh and there weren't many movies of the African American persuasion like Spike Lee movies for instance, what's up with that???

Happy Thanksgiving-HNT

2007-11-22T10:15:00.000-05:00

Have I showed off my pearls yet? I love to wear them with a revealing top so when the eyes go southward I can ask "don't you just love my pearls?" Honestly though they are one of my favorite pieces of jewelry.

Anyway Happy HNT and Happy Thanksgiving. Oh and in case you are wondering we survived the school bus meltdown and right now I am making cornbread for the stuffing...

School Bus?

2007-11-21T22:32:00.000-05:00

Mr. Corey waiting for the school bus yesterday. He has been such a handful lately. Or more accurately he had been so much less of a handful that the return of the work is a real pain in the arse...I lost something very important to me yesterday. Someone I was very much looking forward to meeting for lunch. He made mornings like yesterday's a little easier to deal with. And I am sad to see the relationship end. But I have more pressing things on my plate like a dinner tomorrow and the inevitable "school bus" meltdown in the morning. So I can't really indulge in moping for long...Oh and this is my 200th post believe it or not. Damn it was hard to make it to this milestone on this blog for some reason. But it's not the quantity it's the quality right?

You, Me, and She part 2...

2007-11-19T16:09:00.000-05:00

Kellie: did you survive the weekend?
cah1470: barely
cah1470: oh and mom
cah1470: expected something for her birthday
cah1470: just as I suspected she would
cah1470: so she had me wait for 2 hours for her yesterday
cah1470: we were taking her picture for the reception area in her dress
cah1470: it turns out she was pouting because (youngest brother) had not called
cah1470: so she figured none of her kids remembered
Kellie: lol
Kellie: I'm sorry
cah1470: i thought both corey and cam were going to have a nervous breakdown yesterday
cah1470: 4 hours with 5 year old nephew, 11 year old nephew, my mom, and SIL in my house is just bleh
cah1470: and I realize that me AND the boys like the quiet peace I have created
cah1470: I think this week/weekend is going to be a challenge for all three of us
Kellie: :(
Kellie: well I hope you survive
cah1470: yes lol I will
Kellie: I like quiet too
cah1470: I have pics to get developed
cah1470: I am broke so broke I can't even describe it and I still have to pick up Cam's tux (yet another $105) and provide a thanksgiving dinner
Kellie: that sucks
cah1470: payday seems a very long way away since all this has to happen before it
cah1470: I love mom but frankly I am just ready for this whole scene to be over
cah1470: oh and she is moving the next weekend
cah1470: did I mention that little tidbit?
Kellie: I'm kinda broke, too, I can't wait til payday
Kellie: LOL
cah1470: yeah it's the time of year to be broke really
cah1470: and not the time to have a wedding right around the most expensive time of the year
cah1470: angie gets on my nerves with her penny pinching but she is right, we don't have but 3 paychecks between now and christmas
cah1470: and unlike her I have to pay the mortgage and other bills alone
cah1470: and still provide a nice christmas for my boys
Kellie: yup
cah1470: when they were over yesterday going on and on about which pic was the "perfect one" I wanted to ask for my money back from SIL
cah1470: and how petty is that?
cah1470: but the more I thought about how I am doing thanksgiving alone, I wound up doing the bridal shower alone, and I AM ALONE
cah1470: the more annoyed I became
cah1470: the other two women at my house yesterday have men to help out
cah1470: and how they could be with me and corey with his size 15 shoe and not even acknowledge or offer to contribute is a bit annoying
cah1470: with my mom sitting there with her lip about to pout because she thinks I haven't done anything for her birthday
cah1470: and why was she expecting anything from ME of all people anyway????
Kellie: *hugs*
Kellie: that does sound sucky
Kellie: but it seems to me that parents are always harder on one kid, expect more from them and then think that's some kind of favoritism
Kellie: and I do think it's terrible that SIL and your mom do you that way
Kellie: expect you to do/pay for everything when aren't they the ones always wanting you to leave corey at home/with v, like he's not your baby?
cah1470: oh he isn't invited
cah1470: did I neglect to mention that?
cah1470: I am dropping him off at V's on my way to the rehearsal on Friday and I won't pick him up until Sunday
cah1470: and I understand mom not wanting her day ruined but it amazes me how easy it is for her to exclude Corey altogether
cah1470: Cam made me laugh last night because by hour 4 I had to go ahead and make their dinner...get some of my sunday evening stuff done so I left them to haggle over which picture to choose and started making dinner
cah1470: and they finally got the hint that it was 7:30, past Corey's dinner time and maybe it was time to go
cah1470: so when they left and Corey and Cam were eating Cam says "phew Finally"
Kellie: lol
cah1470: "I love grandma but they are too much work to have around! didn't they notice Corey was about to explode?"
Kellie: cam is hilarious
cah1470: and I just shook my head
cah1470: out of the mouths of babes
Kellie: yup

So I am on day 2 of the week from HELL...They picked the photo they liked best. I uploaded it to Wolf Camera and ordered the size mom wanted. Hopefully she is going to pick it up and I am not expected to do that too. Do I sound a bit grumpy? Well it will pass in a few days I promise...The crazy thing is as much as I am NOT looking forward to the drama I am looking forward to taking the boys to the parade, cooking and having my family enjoy my efforts, and even putting on the pretty dress for the wedding:) I just wish it wasn't always ME doing the work. Oh and for the record like the dutiful daughter I am I did buy mom a very nice birthday cake and a balloon for her birthday. When she stopped by with her lip poked out she was pleasantly surprised to find I had a very lovely cake in her favorite flavor...

Blog Type

2007-11-10T14:59:00.000-05:00

Your Blogging Type is Kind and Harmonious

You're an approachable blogger who tends to have many online friends.
People new to your blogging circle know they can count on you for support.
You tend to mediate fighting and drama. You set a cooperative tone.
You have a great eye for design - and your blog tends to be the best looking on the block!

What's Your Blogging Personality?

I did this a year ago...I find it amusing that my type hasn't changed.

I voted...

2007-11-07T23:37:00.000-05:00

(Yep you guessed it, the snooze and lose)
Mr. Corey has been a handful lately. The honeymoon is over at school and with after school. But luckily the staff there is more equipped to deal with Corey's behaviors. And the questions that I was beginning to receive from the staff "why is he here?" Considering how smart he is and high functioning...why is he at the school for the most severe of the population? Well they know now believe me...

Anyway I took him with me to vote yesterday and he handled himself quite well. It is moments like these when I am standing beside my very handsome son that I wish for so much more for him. He should be dating, playing football, going to the mall or the movies with his friends. Sigh...

Well last year I was standing naked with just my "I voted" sticker and my hand over my breast for HNT. This year?...not so much. I don't think this pic is really HNT worthy after last year's. Especially with my big ole butt as my installment last week.

Inspirational Blogger Award

2007-11-05T22:21:00.000-05:00

I have to thank my friend Fusion the world traveler who honored me with this award. He received it from a friend himself, and wanted to pass it on. Here is what he said:

There are many people I can think of that I'd give this to, but one especially sticks out to me. And it's because of how she handles life day after day, when even the the shit hits the fan. I can't image trying to keep everything she has to deal with in balance, and I really admire how she does it all. Being a single mom raising two boys, one with special needs, dealing with a demanding mother, lousy ex, taking care of her home, holding down a full time job, and she keeps going when some others would just give up. On her blog she writes about it all, and shares her hopes, fears, and frustrations. And she even shares a bit of herself on HNTs. So I pass this on to my friend Cat, another inspirational blogger.

I consider Fusion a good friend of mine and what a wonderful thing considering I know him through his blog. I think that is the coolest part of blogging the people I have met. The way they show me bits and pieces of their lives some I relate to, some I envy, and some I couldn't possibly deal with. Fusion is probably one of the bravest people I have met. He puts his emotions out there, he is willing to be hurt to go after what he wants, and he is not afraid to be vulnerable. Oh and to top it off he did the ultimate and quit his job to move to Australia how cool is that? He owes me a date when he finds his way to my neck of the woods and I look forward to it.

So I can't accept an award like this without passing it on. There are many people I can think of that I'd give this to, but one especially sticks out for me. And it's because of how she handles life day after day, when even the the shit hits the fan. I can't image trying to keep everything she has to deal with in balance, and I really admire how she does it all. (Yes I stole this from Fusion word for word because it fits perfectly ;). I pass this on to Deb, another inspirational blogger. Deb is my life plus 10...She has an autistic teenager too but in comparison Corey is a little more high functioning. So I always think about what it must be like to deal with Corey if he weren't potty trained, or Corey if he had a menstrual period to deal with...Deb takes care of her mom even more than I take care of my grandmother I think. And Deb has a very demanding job and 2 very demanding kids in addition to Katie. So whenever I write a big old rant complaining about things in my poor old life when I am finished I go take a peak at Deb's day. And without fail I am reminded of how much worse things could be for me and how much better I could handle things than I do. Deb handles her anger, frustration, disappointment, and fear with an honesty I only nip at the edges. So I have to choose her as my inspirational blogger because she is...

HNT-45

2007-11-01T09:20:00.000-04:00

Someone said I had a bodacious ass last week. So how about a close up?

Happy HNT

Big Dreams Meme...

2007-10-30T18:05:00.000-04:00

Trueself tagged me and I must thank her so much. I get so tired of ranting, whining, and moaning. And this meme is the perfect thing to move away from the whine to a little cheese for a change.

'Write five things you want to be when you grow up. Big dreams that seem like folly, but in your heart of hearts are very real and dear to you. Things that maybe you have forgotten about in the ebb and flow and toil of the everyday, but that never really leave your soul. What you would do if anything was possible?'

1. Go back to school.
I’m stealing this from Trueself who stole it from Bunny. But is so true for me too. I want to go back to school so much. I don't care about building a career as much as I want to further my own personal education. I want to improve myself...I guess that is the bottom line. It doesn't matter how much I read or how much I pay attention until I have more than a couple of semesters of Community College I will never feel educated. And for me having that is very important.

2. Open my own bookstore/independent movie house, and coffee shop.
This is a long standing dream of mine. I have always thought it would be cool to have like a 2 or 3 screen movie house. One where the foreign films, the independent movies, and the really good movies that aren't made with Lindsay Lohan and her crowd in mind could play. And I would like to tie that into a one stop shop if you will with a bookstore and coffee shop. Just because it would make me happy to go out looking for the interesting movies and finding the books that aren't for the 6th grade readers and having a cup of coffee with the folks who appreciate my finds.

3. Travel.
I have never been further west than Kansas City...I went to Florida once but never to the Gulf Coast. I have never been outside of the United States. I want so much to travel to Africa, Australia (I wasn't kidding when I said I was jealous Fusion), Rome...There are so many places to see outside of NY, Atlanta, and Charleston and I want to see them all.

4. Save enough money to pay off my mortgage early.
Early, hell now :) It never really bothered me to work. I will probably be one of those Nimrods who works part time when she is 60. Or maybe I will have my movie house and then I will probably run it until I die. The truth is I like having a purpose, earning my keep, getting up in the morning, doing a good job, and getting paid for it. It's part of my DNA. But I absolutely hate feeling I am held hostage to my paycheck. Feeling like if I got fired I would not be able to take care of myself or my children. I hate worrying about money and making ends meat. So for me the true utopia is not retirement but paying off my home. Knowing that no matter what I own the roof over my head. That would be a huge weight off my shoulders.

5. Do something globally significant.
This is such a dumb thing but it's something that I have always wanted. I have always wished I had talent, or money, or the connections that would make it possible to do something significant. A bit like Bono from U2...the idea that I could do something...just me...to bring water to a village...or help a group of people in need...or find a cure for autism...you get the idea. Something that would make my time on earth more than consumption. More than trying to fulfill some sexual fantasy, or gain some possession, or just take care of me and mine and never step outside of my reality. Something that would make it possible for someone who isn't a part of my day to day...who didn't necessarily do anything for me or to me...to feel glad to have known me because of something positive I did.

Now, I am to tag five more to the task. Hmm, well certainly everyone must have dreams. So whose would I love to read? Trueself stole a lot of the good choices LOL...But I got to read Serenity's so I guess I can come up with 5 others.

Tom yes I know you hate memes but I am curious so there.
Fusion
Deb
Digger who never reads me here I don't think. But I am willing to take a chance because I am curious about his answers.
Oblivion

Not that I wouldn’t love to read others too, but these were the ones I thought of first. Feel free to steal this meme if I didn't tag you, and let me know in the comments that you've done it so I can come read!

HNT-44

2007-10-25T07:39:00.000-04:00

Yet another gift from a co-worker...There appears to be a theme here.

Anyway Happy HNT.

Mild...

2007-10-23T22:48:00.000-04:00

Now one of these episodes can last 15 minutes or all day. And you never know what is going to set Corey off. Tonight for some reason he didn't want to accept he was finished with dinner. He didn't want to accept it was time to leave the kitchen. I worry about him, I worry that he will never learn how to deal with things without this type of behavior. And I worry that when he is not with me or V this behavior won't be tolerated and he will be hurt because of it. In the scale of tantrums I would consider this one to be mild. It was over in about 30 minutes which isn't too bad. But not the way one wants to spend their Tuesday evening.

You, Me, and She...

2007-10-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

Well there is talk of lip gloss and slippery lips...and Fusion is going to be a grandpa. So what is going on in judge and cover land? Well I think my mom and my inability to get along with her is going to take center stage for awhile.

She is taking care of Cam for me after school. I wanted to give Cam the opportunity to come home after school instead of going to daycare this year and I knew my mom could use a little extra money so...I knew having her here every day would be a challenge but I figured the end justified the means. But with the wedding and my grandmother's rapid decline lately I wonder if mom and I will be on speaking terms by Christmas.

You see my grandmother and I have always been close, I am fairly certain I am the reason she moved down here in the 1st place. She moved about 5 minutes away from me and the whole thing with grandma was probably the nastiest chapter in my family's history. My grandmother is an alcoholic and her body began to decline about 5 years ago. My grandfather died of liver failure when I was 6 but grandma didn't change her behavior and now she is a 73 year old with a body of a 173 year old. Anyway she has episodes of extreme paranoia with people after her or trying to get her keys away from her. And one day she just showed up on my mom's doorstep. She didn't call or anything. My uncle thought she was missing and he had called the police trying to find her when she didn't answer her phone and he found her apartment empty. And then about 4 hours after his call here comes my grandmother rolling up in a cab. She had taken the train down here...Of course my mom wouldn't send her own mom away. But my mom and grandmother never got along. When I was a kid my mom would tell me that grandma never loved her. She didn't know why or what she did she just knew it was true. I couldn't understand what she meant really because grandma to me was always confidante and loving care giver. But when I got older it was obvious to see the difference between how she treated me and how she treated my mom. When my grandmother arrived on my mom's doorstep my dad was living with her.

I have to insert here that my mom and dad have a very complicated history and my grandmother has always hated him. My mom met my dad when she was 15 she was best friends with his sister. My dad moved to NJ with his wife and 2 children to find work like many people did in the 50s and 60s. Anyway he was 10 years older than my mom, married, with 2 children. For a couple of years my mom was friends or acquainted with my dad...like she can recall the story of one of my dad's girlfriends burning up his clothes because he lied about leaving his wife and led her on...But during my mom's senior year she became one of the girlfriends...and they had a long history that still exists to this day.

When my grandmother arrived my dad had moved in with mom and they were planning on getting married as soon as his divorce was final. Which began 2 years of pure torture for my mom I think. Now I don't think my dad was ever going to get a divorce. He is my dad but he is just one of those guys and maybe because he is my mom's 1st love she will never see that about him. But my grandmother didn't help the situation. My mom had money struggles, relationship struggles, and she had her mother living with her and she just couldn't deal anymore. When she sold the house she said it was because of the financial woes and I am sure that is partly true. But I think with my dad gone she just wanted out, away from grandma and selling the house seemed to be the easiest way to get that. But my grandmother didn't want to move back to NJ and she decided she was going to live with me. Now I must insert here that I CAN'T say no to my grandmother. But there was no way her and Corey were going to make it under the same roof. So my mom stepped in, called my uncle, and brought her a train ticket. Now we get to the ugly part...My grandmother refused to leave my house and my mom had to physically remove her. She carried her out and everything. You are probably wondering what I did...I left them fighting because I couldn't deal with it. I left and took the boys to school. My mom told me her and grandma got into a physical fight that morning...said things to each other they can never take back and ultimately missed the train. But instead of leaving mom waited until the next train departure and made sure grandma was on it. But the twist is my uncle didn't want her to live with him either. So maybe two weeks went by with mom and my uncle going back and forth on the phone about who was going to "keep" grandma. With my uncle saying how his wife and grandma couldn't get along and my mom reminding him that she didn't have a place to live she was staying with my brother and I had the boys and enough on my plate as it is.

Then one morning out of the blue my doorbell rings about 6 am and it's my uncle. He has brought my grandmother back...driven from Jersey City after work if you can believe it. He said she found a senior citizen apartment and that he was going to stay until he had her place secured. He just wanted someone to know she was coming back. So what do you do when you know your mom is going to have a nervous breakdown? You keep it to yourself folks, at least you do if you are me. I didn't say a word all day about grandma. I didn't say a word when my uncle called the next day to tell me he had secured her place and she was moved in and he was heading home. I just got the address and decided to check things out after work. To discover grandma was less than 5 minutes from my house was a bit of a surprise...she had found a place right down the street from Cam's daycare no less. But the apartment was empty. My uncle had bought a twin sized bed and left.

That was 3 years ago and since that time I have been bringing things by. And her place is quite nice. It took me about a month to tell my mom about grandma and it took her about 6 months to go by and visit. Which brings us to now...grandma is getting worse, much worse actually with dementia and paranoia. A decision will have to be made soon because I don't think grandma can be left on her own much longer. Even with me stopping by a couple of days a week. My mom finally gave up on my dad and announced out of the blue that she was marrying some guy from church.

My mom has always resented me...I used to think it was because she and I are so different. But I think it's because my grandmother has always shown me love and never showed it to her. And now we have my mom and her comments, a wedding, and a very ill grandmother who I may wind up taking care of full time.

Stick a fork in me...

2007-10-16T10:37:00.000-04:00

Because I am done, done, done I tell you. I was so angry this morning...so pissed off that I actually felt like crying or kicking someone. Since my rage was because of something as ridiculous as a school bus I think I may need a mental health break or something. We are 8 weeks into the school year and we still don't have a firm pick up time for Corey. He has 4 substitutes alternating because his bus driver is out on workers comp. Yep she went out 3 weeks into the school year and I do believe she is going to ride this for all it's worth. The main problem is they can't find people who want to drive the short buses. They have to go to residences instead of general bus stops, they have to use the lift for wheel chairs in some cases, and they generally have a little more work to do than the average bus driver. But we are 8 weeks in and I still find myself waiting...sometimes for as much as an hour and a half. Why? Because once I give Corey the expectation that he is going to ride the bus I have to stick with that expectation or deal with a major melt down. So no big deal right? I get Corey up, lay out his clothes, he eats his breakfast and then waits for the bus while I get ready for work, right? Wrong...I do all those things and then I have to wait with Corey because he will run out into the street or run around back and let the puppy out or any number of things really but none of them will be waiting for the bus. So I wait and watch and when I can't stand it anymore I call to see where the bus is. Now keep in mind if the bus leaves half the route (which they are known to do) and arrive at my house early they are not going to blow the horn or even slow down. I must be outside on the steps waiting for the bus 15 minutes before the scheduled time but they may not come until 45 minutes after the scheduled time. So I have played this game for 8 weeks now...did I mention already that it's been 8 weeks? And I tried being polite and understanding...they have staffing issues, ok...they have yet another new bus driver, ok. The bus driver didn't know where I lived and that's why they passed us standing there waiting and yelling after them while they barreled down my residential street going 45 mph, ok. But this morning I was done and when I called and the dispatch woman began with the excuses...we have yet another new substitute I told her I didn't want to hear that anymore, when she began to explain about the regular bus driver being out on workers comp I again told her I didn't want to hear that anymore either. So she asked me to hold on and she went to get her supervisor and he immediately began to apologize and did the "I understand why you are upset but" and then began making all the same excuses that I have heard for 8 weeks. Now I should insert here that while I am having this tirade on the phone. I am getting ready for work, which I am very late for because the bus came an hour late and then passed my house at break neck speed. Cam had a project due today that I had to help him finish and then carry out to the car, and Corey was having a full out fit on the floor in the foyer chanting "school bus" at the top of his lungs because..well because he missed the school bus. Anyway I was in my car by the time I got to the supervisor's excuses, I had just dropped Cam off at school and I was on my way to Corey's school. So I broke into his explanations and said "look I don't give a fuck about your staffing issues really, I just want my child picked up at a reasonable time, and I just want to get to my job on time"...silence...Umm yeah I kind of cursed out the supervisor this morning. And I was inside Corey's school no less so not only does he think I am a bitch but I am sure the school staff thinks I have issues too since I was yelling, spitting mad, and cursing while taking Corey to class. Oh yeah the other gem of Corey missing the bus is I can't just drop him off. I have to sign him in and walk him to his class...Grrr, Grrr, Grrr....

But I am over it now...really I am ;)

HNT-43

2007-10-11T23:05:00.000-04:00

No naked pics today folks...instead I have a pic of my hand. Interesting stuff ;) Seriously though I like to have fresh flowers around. Nothing extravagant just the $4 variety you can find at the grocery store or the Farmer's Market. Last week I got lucky with only one flower already in bloom...the rest bloomed during the week and I think they are lovely. And the smell...my entire kitchen is so fragrant from this one bouquet of $4 flowers. It just goes to show sometimes it's the simplest of things that has the most impact.

Lulled...

2007-10-08T13:22:00.000-04:00

Ok I think it is time to post something new and move my shameless Monica Lewinsky impersonation down a bit. Corey's birthday sigh...Yes my baby isn't a baby anymore he is a 16 year old with a mustache and a beard. I took him bowling Saturday just me, him, and Cam and he had such a good time. I went early before it became crowded and I didn't bring my camera because he hates it when I do. I followed the "Corey's rules" to a tee. And he seemed to be a very happy young man. And then I let the ease of Saturday and the lack of outbursts the past couple of months lull me into the unthinkable...

Yep I decided to have a few people over to sing Happy Birthday and have dinner with us. Just my mom her fiance and my brother and his family. And even though I was pushing it having people over, all of us getting loud in conversation, the activity level getting high because my mom, SIL, and I turned the early part of the party into an impromptu bridesmaid's dress fitting. Corey was good a bit agitated but fairly calm. So when V called I didn't think it would be a big deal for her to stop by. And it was like a house of cards one person too many. The next thing I know Corey is on the floor with his hands over his ears crying and I am feeling like the worst mom on the planet. I don't know why I have to force what I like on him so much. I know he doesn't like to have our home upset with a lot of activity...I have had 16 years to learn this. Once everyone left I was able to calm him down with the Michael Jackson DVD, some popcorn, and just us. Hopefully I will learn my lesson next year and just stick with the things he likes and take my wants and desires out of it.

HNT-42

2007-10-04T21:33:00.000-04:00

I am sure you guys know the drill by now ;)

Sometimes I really love my job...This was a gift from one of my co-workers. A kick ass paddle she brought back from Folsom. Man I wish I could have been there with them. I am not sure if there is any half in this HNT but...

Happy HNT all the same.

Is he talking yet?

2007-10-02T22:37:00.000-04:00

The last couple of months have been wonderful with Corey. He has been a lot like he was before puberty hit and it's great to see. I am sure the medication, along with the school move, and also his age is the cause. V was talking about how great it was to start up his community inclusion activities again. The last couple of years have been such a nightmare but now she can take him to the park or bowling again. I made a few changes at home too. This year Corey is riding the bus from home instead of V's house. Because of this he is no longer spending the night during the week. He does spend the night once a week but for awhile there he was spending almost every day with her. But now we are back to normal so to speak. I also took Cam out of after school this year and he is riding the bus home. I am paying my mom to look after him for a couple of hours so for the 1st time in Cam's life he is able to come home after school. There were times when he had to leave 2 hours before school and ride the van to school and then spend 3 to 4 hours at after school. Imagine a 5 or 6 year old leaving the house at 6 in the morning and then not coming home until after 7 at night. I had Corey's annual last week and I was able to secure his funding for another year and I even got more respite hours to make up for the gap he will need filled with his new after school schedule. All good things right?

So what does my mom, mother in law, and family ask? "Is Corey talking yet?"...

Men Are Scum!

2007-09-30T08:53:00.000-04:00

I don't think I have ever thought much of men, even as a child. They have always appeared to be the worst kind of liars, unreliable, and not worth half the trouble they create. I am sure part of the reason for this is my dad and him never being there for my mom. A man 10 years older taking a high school senior and changing her life by having 2 children with her. A man who strung her along for 5 decades with promises of leaving his wife which never happened. But the other reason is my brother. My brother redefines waste of space. He personifies everything that is wrong with the male species. And typically after spending time with him or my SIL it takes me a day or two to get over the "men really suck" mood he puts me in.

Yesterday my SIL, me, and my mom were going to buy our dresses for my mom's wedding. She is getting married in November after Thanksgiving. Anyway we decided to meet for breakfast 1st and then go shopping so we were up fairly early. I think this surprised my brother and upset his plans, I think he was anticipating SIL would still be asleep and he could leave 2 hours before he was due at work without incident. Now my brother has always seen other women. This is something I have always known but of course never talk about. He is a waste of space but he is still my brother. Anyway before he asked SIL to marry him they had lived together for about a decade they also have 2 children. He had been caught cheating once before and when she caught him a 2nd time she decided to leave. And here is where my biggest issue with him comes into play. She left got her own apartment and moved on with her life. She hosted our book club meeting and me and all the girls were there having a great time. And I must insert here that she looked better than I had seen her in years. She was happy, her place looked great, and she had moved on. My brother stopped by to pick up my nephews for the day while we had the meeting. And I will never forget the look he had on his face when he saw her place and saw her having a good time looking good and moving on. The next thing I know he is on her doorstep everyday. Begging her to take him back and constantly asking her to marry him. So fast forward 2 years and he is still up to the same old stuff. He never stopped if you want to know the truth. He is not a monogamous person which I can understand. What I can't reconcile is why he didn't leave her alone and remain single since it's the single life he obviously wants to lead. Anyway when SIL asked why he was leaving 2 hours early for work he exploded an argument insued and now he claims he is leaving her. I don't think he is frankly I think he just wanted to pick a fight so he could get out of the house for his morning nookie with the latest 18 year old he is seeing. But meeting SIL for lunch and seeing how upset she was over my brother (UGH). Was very hard to take. I swear I could kill him sometimes.

HNT-41

2007-09-27T22:51:00.000-04:00

Well I don't think I have done a HNT from the side before...

8 Random Facts...

2007-09-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

I have been tagged by mcewen from Whitterer on Autism

The Rules:

I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.

Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their 8 things) and post these rules.

At the end of your blog, you need to choose people to get tagged and list their names. (I am going to break this rule because I am sure everyone who reads my blog has already done this more than once. But if you would like to accept the tag and you are reading this, consider yourself tagged :)

Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. I have done this before but it's been awhile so I figured why not? Besides she did tag me and since I almost never comment on her blog and she always comments on mine I figure fair is fair.

8 Random Facts/Habits About Me:

1. I was prescribed to wear glasses when I was 6 years old. There was nothing I hated more than those glasses. I used to bury them in the snow until my mom finally stopped buying them. I didn't get another pair until I was 16 because I failed the eye test to get my learners permit. And I haven't worn a pair of glasses since.

2. I have never dyed my hair. I was always afraid to and then I saw "What's Love Got to Do With It" when Tina Turner dyed her hair and it all fell out. And that pretty much closed the door on any other color besides the dirt brown.

3. I have never been a fan of fake things like nails and hair. I always figured if I didn't have it already I didn't need it.

4. I don't want to be buried, I want to be cremated. I think the most gruesome thing on the planet is to fill a dead person full of fluid, make them up, and then put them on display.

5. I have man hands too mcewen ;) My first real job was as an assembler in a truck brake factory. Yep I used to make Bendix air brakes. So the big hands became scarred man hands.

6. I also have big feet too mcewen, hehehe. Size 10s and if I am lucky I can find 11s. The irony is I have a terrible fetish for shoes. But I know which shoes look good and which ones make my feet look like ocean liners.

7. I am a directions person, I can figure anything out by reading the diagram, I assemble everything myself, I do my own yard work, and if it weren't for my distaste for getting dirty I could probably change the oil. But I will change my own tire if forced.

8. I have always admired Hilary Clinton. I know most people are put off by her but I would ask anyone to read this. I know it shows me up as the biggest dork on the planet that I read the wiki and even worse that I was so impressed by it. But I did and I was...

I stole all of mcewen's answers and made them my own. It seemed like the easiest way to come up with 8 new things to post about me.

24 year old Cat...

2007-09-23T22:50:00.000-04:00

if you snooze especially when it comes to pics of my face you do indeed lose...
Well Tom take a gander...it's me in an awful top and awful hair. But I happen to be 24 or fairly close to 24 in this pic. Yeah I was one of the style set that thought short hair in the front and long in the back was a good idea. Oh and that handsome bright face looking directly at the camera would be Corey. Back when his picture was being taken every day it seemed and he knew exactly what to do as you can see. When I went looking for a pic of me at 24 it was a little disconcerting to find my hairstyle is the only thing that changes oh and the boys. They are always the true sign of my age.

you didn't think I would leave it up forever did you?
And this pic? This is me at the fattest I have ever been in my life, and 3 days overdue. I think the summer of '96 was the hottest summer on record. And I kept my hair short then because I was fat, hot, and miserable every single day. I wasn't supposed to travel so I am not sure how I convinced my mom to go with me to Charleston. Oh and I was 26 in this pic. But after seeing these if you still want to peg me the 24 year old with the voice and body to match. And the boys? My younger brothers of course ;) I would be hard pressed to argue with you.

Very Late HNT

2007-09-21T13:37:00.000-04:00

More than late, a HNF at this point. Anyway the pic is for John...thanks for your comment. I had to find a file available to me from work and one I could post while on my lunch break. A webcam pic, big surprise. Is it just me or am I more likely to cross the line with webcam pics? Anyway happy half nekkid Friday ;)

Ranting...

2007-09-19T11:56:00.000-04:00

I have been quite the ranter lately I have found many reasons to get up on my soap box. Whether it be the autism Oprah thing, the Jena 6 thing, or the latest congressional hearings on the status of the Iraq war (UGH!) But for all of my ranting I think hubby gets the badge for causing the rant of the week. He has been absent since late May early June. When I woke up Monday morning I saw I had 9 missed calls from him. He does that...he can't just leave a voice mail no, no, no. He has to call 9 times because I couldn't possibly be asleep at 11:30 on Sunday night. Nope. I have to be deliberately ignoring his calls. Anyway I will admit here that I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't sue me. He is negative, he has lost all decorum with me, and he can't speak normally to me. He curses and yells and berates and now that he is out of the picture I am just fine with never speaking to him again (awful I know) but true. So I didn't call back the PC reason was because it was 6:30 am when I discovered the missed calls but the bottom line, I didn't want to talk to him. So I sent a text instead "hey I see I missed your call(s), what's up?" Within 2 minutes my phone was ringing. "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SEND ME TEXT MESSAGES!!!!" Now keep in mind we have not spoken a word to each other in months. Not hi how are the boys, not hey what's been going on but immediately at 6:30 in the am no less we start with the yelling. He just feels entitled to talk to me like a dog. I didn't perform as expected and he is going to rail about it for the rest of his days I think. So me #1 not being in the mood (I didn't want to talk to him at all remember) and #2 being late...I have a very tight am schedule where at 6:38 if I haven't had my shower yet it is already clear I will be late for work at 8:45 (crazy but true). Broke into his tirade with..."hey it's been so long since I have been talked to like a dog, I was beginning to miss it, was this the purpose for your call or did you have another reason?"....silence. Me "hello"...Dumb ass, "Cam has a dentist's appointment today I need you to send a note to his teacher so they will release him early." me "ok, anything else?" CLICK. He is such an asshole, I must have been on crack when I married him.

Anyway I told Cam his dad was taking him to the dentist and what time and I sent the note. Cam was really excited about seeing his dad. He said several times that it has been "weeks" since he saw him. When I went to pick Cam up Monday afternoon I asked how the appointment went and if he told his dad he missed him. He said yes and he asked him where he has been all these weeks. Hubby told him he has been "busy". No other explanation, just busy. So I told him I thought his dad had taken on a 2nd job and that was probably what he meant about being busy. Cam says "a 2nd job? that is the dumbest thing I ever heard! why would he take a 2nd job instead of spending his extra time with me!" I told him he should respect his dad at all times and it wasn't up to him to decide what his dad needed to do. But I couldn't help but think to myself. Out of the mouths of babes...

For all the blogs I loved before...

2007-09-17T11:39:00.000-04:00

It has been a little less than a year since I wrote this post. Since I wrote it I have dealt with a few over zealous...should I call them fans? But that hasn't soured me on blogging. I had a scare on my wordpress blog for awhile with MNG reading my posts. And I have been busy enough to find it difficult to keep up with more than one blog from time to time. Lately I find the lack of comments on my HNTs a bit disconcerting. Not that I need the attention really but if no one is looking why post them? I could stick with the writing for my own creative release and leave the HNTs alone. But the idea of not blogging altogether hasn't crossed my mind. I don't even think hubby or my mom discovering the blog would deter me at this late date. I think I would start a new blog or friends lock this one 1st. I would miss the outlet and the people I have met through blogging. And I guess it has become a habit sharing my life, little bits and pieces of it. I think creating a 2nd blog helped me. Most of my life is compartmentalized so I guess it fits that my blogging would be also. I don't plan on killing my blog anytime soon but I must admit the recent departures have taken some of the fun out of it for me.

So...Low Blood Pressure, Finished Last, Melanie, Cycle Guy, and of course The Artful Dodger...could you stop by every once in awhile? Just to let me know you are still reading :)

Crisp and Clean...

2007-09-15T12:26:00.000-04:00

I love this time of year, the weather is absolutely perfect. High 50s at night and high 70s during the day. Who could ask for better? I had the windows up today trying to get my bearings after a very interesting play date last night. Corey decided to wake up at 3am for the 1st time in weeks. He wasn't aggressive or anything like that, just awake. So I found I couldn't go back to sleep until he did. Now I am sitting here enjoying the cool weather with a cup of coffee trying to pretend it's 9:00 am when it's really 12:30 and my book club members will be here at 3:00. What was I thinking when I volunteered to host this month's meeting? I had planned to make something fun to eat but now I am going to plan B. A pizza that I am going to call for while I am rushing to take Corey over V's house ;)

HNT-39

2007-09-13T23:33:00.000-04:00

I decided to try something new and take a pic of the back of my head. (Yes I was bored so sue me) Believe it or not my hair is very neat and smoothed back in the front so it's weird that my hair is such a mess from the back. I found that a bit poetic...I am typically composed and put together on the surface but in the back (behind the scenes) I am usually a mess ;)

Happy HNT.

It's not always good to be right...

2007-09-10T22:06:00.000-04:00

Well it appears all my apprehension with Corey's new developmental day provider was not irrational. They lied to me and V for a good portion of the week last week. Making us believe they had found their site for the school year when in fact the site would not be ready until today. So for the better part of a week they were taking Corey around to the library and to the director's office and anywhere else they could think of and then meeting V in the parking lot of the new site. I found out on Thursday and I was furious not only because they were putting Corey at risk but because they were lying unnecessarily. I am not a fan of liars. They complicate things, they can't be trusted so you have to go through the work of seeking out the whole truth all the time, and they just lack integrity in general. Liars do dumb things like pretend they have a site a week early instead of telling the parents the truth. And I don't have any patience or tolerance for that. Luckily V was there to keep her hours 7-3:30 until I can secure the new facility. All my instincts were jangling with them so I went ahead and did the research on the after school program at Corey's new school. And I found it to be exactly what I am looking for. They primarily serve autistic children but they do have other disabilities the same as his school and I didn't have any of the unease I felt when I met the director from the other facility,

Corey is doing very well at his new school. I went to the 1st PTA and instantly became aware of how different and positive this year is going to be. Imagine a parents meeting at school where all the students have a disability? Corey can participate in the sports, the clubs, the prom, and all the other activities. And now he is going to be in their after school as well. It's weird in a way. I have resisted this for 12 years. I have pushed and pushed for inclusion and got it. But now I feel that inclusion is not the road to the best education for Corey. For years I thought moving to the Special Needs school would be taking a step backwards. But now I realize in finally fully accepting Corey's disability and moving him to this school I am taking a step forward and I feel very positive about my choice.

Speaking of taking a step forward I decided to take Cam to see his grandmother over the weekend. His birthday was on Thursday and she sent him a card. She always makes sure to send the boys cards on their birthdays and holidays. And I felt bad that because hubby had decided not to speak to us she misses out on them too. Of course I had to endure her speech about not having enough faith in God.

What? Yes my mother in law believes if I just had faith God would heal Corey of autism and he would wake up one day and be "normal". I have heard this enough that I take it with a grain of salt but when she began making excuses for hubby it was time for me to leave. Cam asked her if she had seen his dad because he had not seen him in months and he wanted her to ask him to call. When she heard this she tells me that hubby is only staying away from the boys because he loves me and wants to get back together.

What? Yes hubby came by his delusional behavior honestly :) I told her that is never going to happen but I was willing to bring the boys by from time to time so she could still have a relationship with them. And after that I was on my way (definitely my good deed for the month).

Why do I sound like that?

2007-09-08T09:25:00.000-04:00

Cam asked me to make a vid of him to mark his 11th birthday. Of course when he saw this he immediately asked what was wrong with his voice. I don't think he had ever heard himself on a video before and he didn't like it. He has been trying to add baritone to his voice ever since :) I did this on my camera and it isn't the highest quality vid I have ever seen. But you will get the gist of things...And yes the person with the awful southern drawl mixed with a little NJ accent just to make it sound even worse is yours truly.

HNT-38

2007-09-06T22:41:00.000-04:00

It was very difficult to think of where to go next after the underwear shot :) But I figured I would go with the theme this week which seems to be...She can catch the school bus in one single bound; not a bird, not a plane, it's super cat! Yes this school year has been kicking my arse in the planning and logistics category. BUT I think once I have Corey and Cam's after school settled this year may be the best year I have ever had. So I just have to stick with it a little while longer. And try not to piss off my employer in the process.

BTW today is Cam's 11th birthday and he asked me to take a vid of him marking the occasion. I will post it when I get a free moment I have to admit it's kind of cute. If you can stand my southern drawl that is...

Anyway Happy HNT.

A bitter old hag...

2007-09-05T22:34:00.000-04:00

Becoming a mean old hag or possibly already being one is a big fear of mine. The drama with hubby is everything I tried to avoid for a decade and it bothers me a great deal that we can't even be friends at this point. He checked out back in May early June and the boys have not heard from him since. Today the school called him by mistake checking on Corey's transportation and he left a message at work to let me know "you need to call the school and verify Corey's transportation" click. And if his tone could be anymore harsh than what he said believe me it was. Not hey dog cat...hey mother of my kids not hey how are my sons who live less than 15 minutes away. Just "you need to call the school" sigh. It's so frustrating that we can't be friends. But maybe that is what I want because I am happy we aren't together. Maybe it's unfair for me to expect him to just get on with it. But I really wish he would for my comfort yes but mostly so the boys can have their dad even if it's only in the smallest way.

Happy Laborless Day :)

2007-09-02T20:19:00.000-04:00

Well I accomplished everything I wanted to this weekend and now I plan on lying here watching Entourage and then vegging out on tennis all day tomorrow. My mom kept calling about a cookout. I had a gathering today to meet her new fiance and I think I have fulfilled my obligation for the weekend. I am not in the mood to cook for and clean up after a bunch of guests. I can't figure out whose bright idea it was for every single holiday to be wrapped up in women being forced to do MORE cooking and cleaning than they do during the week but I say no to such traditions. I am going to lie around and watch tennis. I am going to sleep late and hopefully the boys will too. And if I get cabin fever I am going to walk around the mall for awhile and then come back and watch more tennis. I hope everyone else enjoys the day off...I hope everyone else has the day off.

Absent...

2007-08-31T18:30:00.000-04:00

I have felt out of sorts this summer. I have found myself saying things like...typically I, or usually I, or last year I...and this summer all of the typical, usual, and past practices have flown out of the window. I started the 1st week of school without doing any school shopping prior to the first day. I didn't buy the boys new shoes or clothes and I had to get the supply list off the school site and found myself at Target the Sunday night before school. I missed Cam's open house because I was struggling childcare wise the last week of summer and I found myself working late and through lunch trying to make up time. I didn't even have a chance to grocery shop so I bought the school breakfast and lunch for the boys all week. And I haven't even been in my favorite spot at the computer after the day is done like I usually do. The coffee mug in this shot was from Monday's first day of school post and it sat here for 3 days...But with a 3 day weekend I plan to change the trend by getting the closets cleaned (something I typically do before school) Checking for things that are too old, or too small, and finding the few things that will work the first few months of school. Corey's class always looks for donated t-shirts and clothing to make it through so I will find a few of those and then I plan to go out and do the shopping I avoided or didn't have time for the last couple of weeks. It doesn't sound like a very exciting way to spend Labor Day weekend. But if I can get the things on my list done it will make for a very relaxing day off on Monday. And hopefully a much smoother and more organized week next week.

Cautiously Optimistic...

2007-08-29T23:15:00.000-04:00

Well the bus has been late every morning...but aside from that I am cautiously optimistic about this year. Corey's new after school has both typical and special needs students. So for the 1st time in many years Cam and Corey will be able to attend the same place. The idea of cutting my commute is very appealing. And Mr. Corey loves having me pick him up in the afternoon again. For the past 3 years V has picked him up from after school and then 3 nights a week I pick him up from her house. He has been clingy or maybe I am being unfair he wants to be with me, he wants to be home more. But after the ankle I have been sending him away more...using my services more. If things work out with the new after school that will change. The smile you see has been a typical expression for him lately. He practically runs from V's house...packing up whenever he hears the phone or the doorbell. If I pick him up everyday overnights with V will become even more difficult to manage. He doesn't want to spend the night...he wants to come home. Not an unfair request really and one I hope I am able to fulfill for him without winding up in a cast :)

The First Day of School...

2007-08-27T17:17:00.000-04:00

Well I think I have been "off line" for the longest period of time ever the past couple of weeks. It wasn't because I didn't have anything to write about. Moreover it was the same stuff and as much as I say I get tired of reading my whining it is only a small percentage of how much I really do hate to read my own whining. And frankly I have been very busy.

1st-Corey's new daycare is going to be like others in the past...not a traditional after school but one that keeps special hours. This will mean extra days around the holidays that a traditional daycare would cover his will not, the same will hold true for spring break, and also summer break. So last week his new daycare was closed. It would have been nice if I had known about it before Friday that I needed childcare for the following week but, sigh what are you going to do? So I scrambled with my hours...V and I took turns working half days and switched off trying to minimize our time off as much as possible.

2nd-Corey has become VERY clingy. He has always preferred to be with me and it took a few years for him to be comfortable with overnights with V. But since his return this summer he has been impossible in that regard. I thought he would need my reassurance that we were back on schedule. And I tried to keep him with me while still making it clear that he would spend a couple of nights a week with V. But in Corey's mind now staying with V means not coming home for 3 months and he is not having that.

3rd-Apathetic...Every year I try to minimize Corey's reaction to change. I know what he is going to do. He does it every year and every year I go through the same woes and it doesn't seem to matter how much work I put into it, the end result is always the same. Every year without fail I get to the 1st day of school without reliable after school so I have to give transportation my address until I can secure after school, this never happens until 2 or 3 days in and it takes transportation 2 to 3 days to make the change. So the 1st week I am always running around either leaving work early or asking V to. Every year I meet with the teacher I give them the run down...the dos and don't s the things that I know will set the tone for the entire year. So this year was no exception I went in to meet with his new teacher. I had to insist because I kept getting the run around on when it would be a good time to stop by. You see this guy "knows" how to handle things and the last thing he needs is some over protective mom coming down to tell him anything...sigh. So I get down there Friday afternoon and he has already left. Now most would have stopped here...they would have stopped after 3 phone calls, after a week and a half of running all over town with childcare issues and missing work...hell an entire summer of it really. They would have said fine and left it alone. And at 1st I did say fine. I met S for lunch at the mall and I took Cam to the movies for the last day of summer. I knew they would call me though...I knew it would be right after lunch and I knew Corey would suffer because they didn't know what was up so yeah by last night the over protectiveness had taken over again. And I started a journal...another thing I wind up doing every year. And I put the 8 things you need to know about Corey to have a successful 1st quarter. I sent a couple of things I knew would work as rewards if a situation got out of hand and I gave them my cell number and V's. I told them I would be happy to meet with them at any time. Well about 1:30 I got the call I knew I would get from the school. It was the school psychologist..."Corey was great this morning but after lunch he became very aggressive" ...Me "did you read the note I put in his book bag" the psychologist "you left a note?" Me "yes it's in a green composition notebook with please read me in big black block letters" So she asks me to hold on and then comes back with a very subdued voice.

Yep just about everything that happened I had warned them about in the journal. UGH! UGH! UGH!!!! Why do I even bother? Why not just accept that I will be without childcare the 1st day of school, the teacher is going to call me, and I am going to be out of PTO before Thanksgiving and unable to take off around the Christmas Holiday? I mean when am I going to learn?

But I should add as a footnote...Corey did catch the bus this morning without incident (wonderful especially for the 1st day)...Cam when asked what grade he was in by V told her I am in the 5th...it took me 5 years but I finally made it ;) And V covered for me by switching her hours so she will be able to meet Corey's bus this week...Not bad really just the regular annoying stuff. And the summer is officially over...And better still I survived...And I am still employed even ;)

Music Meme...

2007-08-15T09:48:00.001-04:00

I unashamedly stole this from Serenity...

Soundtrack: A music meme.
What's your ringtone? I attach songs to people so I have different ringtones. The ones that play the most are: Crazy by Seal, Fear by Sarah McLachlan, and Touch by Omarion. Any guesses who those ringtones represent?
What's the most incongruous song on your mp3 player? Ok, I have posted in the past about being a throwback. This answer will prove that statement to be true. I don't own a MP3 player :)
What is the one genre of music you cannot stand? I love music and I can stand most anything for awhile. But I have to admit the Old Country station, the one that plays Hank Williams and such is a bit more than I can handle. I will listen to the country pop of today though Leann Ryhmes or Shania Twain.
What's your desert island disc? Hmm this is a tough one, I guess it would be a tie between Sheryl Crow's "The Very Best" or Prince's "Sign of the Times"
What's your secret musical weakness? Oh brother well I have pretty strange taste in music or lack of taste depending on your point of view. I do love hardcore rap you know a little DMX or Ice Cube back in the day...I am gonna run up on you and flat blast both of you kind of music ;) And I find myself listening to show tunes more than I would like to admit, I have the broadway station programmed, it's #5 if you are wondering.
Do you play a musical instrument? No, and it is a huge regret of mine. I wanted to learn to play the cello but my mom couldn't afford to purchase or rent the instrument when I was in school.
Best makeout song, ever: A song to make out to? Well I have to admit I think of Madonna's Bedtime Stories when my sex dreams have music in the background or Terence Trent Darby's "Sign Your Name".
Best driving song: Running Down A Dream by Tom Petty oh and I also love Call Me by Al Green when I am driving.
One song that you think everyone should read the lyrics of: Another Day in Paradise by Phil Collins.
Is downloading music for free a sin? Not if you are getting something you really couldn't find otherwise, obscure stuff, or if you go buy the album after you d/l. I can justify all night. This answer was stolen verbatim from Serenity because I think the same thing so maybe we both can justify all night.
Do you karaoke? Hell no. Again stolen from Serenity karaoke is just wrong...on so many levels.
One musician you would happily whore yourself to: This is a tough one, Lenny Kravitz is a good choice but he is a little too short for my taste. David Banner has that around the way scruffiness I like but I guess LL Cool J is still the guy for me.
First album you ever bought: Off the Wall by Michael Jackson and I was 9 also.
Most recent album you bought: I haven't bought anything new in awhile most of the CDs I have been buying are greatest hits..I guess Jamie Foxx's Unpredictable was the last "new" CD I bought.
Favorite Beatles song (oh come on, everyone has one): I have to pick just one? Hmm, My Life I guess.
One song that represents your teenage years: Control by Janet Jackson
One song that represents your 20s: Don't Speak by No Doubt
One song that represents where you are right now: I've Got A Life by Annie Lennox
One song that represents your blog: If it Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow

Where did the time go?

2007-08-12T13:35:00.005-04:00

Last night Cam crawled in behind me and said he was just going to "hang out" for a few minutes. Yeah right this is code for..."hey mom I am going to sleep in here with you :)" But the days of Cam squeezing behind me without a problem are over. As you can see he takes up the entire top half of the bed. When did he get so tall?

This morning I woke up fairly early trying to beat the heat of the day and the boys waking up so I could get a few things done. But Corey has a sense of when I am up and it didn't take 3 minutes for him to follow me into the kitchen. When I was looking at him this morning with the shadow of his beard coming back I couldn't help but think...where in the world did the time go? It's hard to believe Corey will be 16 in a couple of months, standing there bigger than me. Or that Cam is too big to fit behind me in my queen sized bed anymore, time does fly doesn't it?

HNT-37

2007-08-09T22:02:00.001-04:00

Heat wave...what an awful predicament to be in when the air conditioner is on the fritz. It was 104 degrees today, insane when you think about it. The 43% humidity didn't help things. But what made it worse? Oh it's 90 degrees now at 10 pm...Sigh summers in the south, got to love em. Anyway I am spending a lot of time in my underwear these days...Hey they could pass for a bathing suit right?

Happy HNT.

Bitching and Moaning...

2007-08-08T09:34:00.000-04:00

It began first thing this morning…our bitch session.
(9:01:44 AM) Marguaritte: and I'm like "I don't care, I need info, supply it, please"
(9:02:21 AM) Marguaritte: and she just can't seem to understand that it doesn't matter is the new ones she wanted to promote were up or not, I NEED INFO FOR THE NEWSLETTER TODAY
(9:03:38 AM) Marguaritte: J is only going to be here today and I need the info so I can get the newsletter approved
(9:03:55 AM) Marguaritte: I asked for it over a week ago, told her I needed it by the end of the day yesterday
(9:04:06 AM) Marguaritte: of course, she didn't send it yesterday
(9:05:51 AM) cah1470: ugh
(9:06:14 AM) cah1470: well...Corey left a surprise in all our drinks last night (again)
(9:06:20 AM) Marguaritte: ugh
(9:06:38 AM) cah1470: Cameron left a trail of dog food yesterday morning so we had a mountain of ants to greet us yesterday
(9:06:38 AM) Marguaritte: you said it right the first time
(9:07:02 AM) cah1470: and my compressor has died on my a/c so it was about 100 degrees in the house
(9:07:24 AM) Marguaritte: :(
(9:08:22 AM) cah1470: and after 3 hours of fans and open windows I was able to get the house down to a balmy 92 degrees
(9:08:29 AM) cah1470: so we could sleep around 1:30
(9:08:30 AM) Marguaritte: I'm sorry
(9:08:36 AM) Marguaritte: I know how that sucks
(9:08:45 AM) cah1470: and all I kept thinking is was I Attila the Hun in my past life or something?
(9:08:58 AM) Marguaritte: I fell asleep in my bed in the heat, so I know
(9:09:01 AM) Marguaritte: XD
(9:09:06 AM) cah1470: it's not enough to be poor? It’s not enough to have Corey? I have to work to roast and have vomit in my tea?
(9:09:15 AM) cah1470: I think I am a relatively nice person
(9:09:18 AM) Marguaritte: sigh, I'm sorry
(9:09:23 AM) Marguaritte: you are!
(9:09:26 AM) cah1470: it would be nice if my days could reflect this just every once in awhile
(9:09:33 AM) Marguaritte: yeah, I know
(9:09:57 AM) cah1470: and I can feel myself losing my resolve
(9:10:14 AM) cah1470: my look on the bright side attitude is fading
(9:10:41 AM) Marguaritte: I understand
(9:10:42 AM) Marguaritte: I'm sorry
(9:10:49 AM) cah1470: oh and guess who greeted me this morning
(9:10:53 AM) cah1470: to add insult to injury?
(9:10:58 AM) Marguaritte: who?
(9:11:00 AM) cah1470: Alex the stalker
(9:11:12 AM) Marguaritte: oh god, not him again
(9:11:13 AM) cah1470: (8:55:35 AM) alex_marwand: after a long time iam saying just hello to you
(9:11:31 AM) cah1470: which only means even though I asked him several times to go away he is just lurking
(9:11:35 AM) Marguaritte: yikes
(9:11:38 AM) cah1470: probably reading every single thing I post
(9:11:44 AM) cah1470: and I am just so over that whole scene
(9:11:44 AM) Marguaritte: :(
(9:12:21 AM) cah1470: I am at a stage where I need something fun and uncomplicated to happen
(9:12:22 AM) Marguaritte: yes
(9:12:31 AM) cah1470: it's a good thing the Lion King is on Friday
(9:12:36 AM) cah1470: I can really use the outing
(9:12:36 AM) Marguaritte: :)
(9:12:45 AM) Marguaritte: yeah, sounds like
(9:12:53 AM) Marguaritte: and goddamnit, I hate Barracuda
(9:12:57 AM) cah1470: :)
(9:13:00 AM) Marguaritte: it's impossible to carry on 2 conversations
(9:13:09 AM) cah1470: well you don't see me using it
(9:13:14 AM) Marguaritte: it keeps flipping me b/t you and Katie
(9:13:14 AM) cah1470: I would use meebo 1st
(9:13:22 AM) Marguaritte: so she's getting half of the comments meant for you
(9:13:54 AM) Marguaritte: because you can't stop it from moving you to the other conversation when someone replies
(9:14:08 AM) cah1470: oh I hate that
(9:14:13 AM) Marguaritte: yeah
(9:14:14 AM) cah1470: yahoo does that to me at home
(9:14:26 AM) Marguaritte: I never use yahoo at home
(9:14:27 AM) cah1470: when I am chatting with D and MNG at the same time things can get interesting
(9:14:35 AM) Marguaritte: hehehehe
(9:15:11 AM) cah1470: it takes more skill than I have to make sure my responses go to the right person 100% of the time
(9:15:16 AM) cah1470: which is why I am invisible
(9:15:20 AM) cah1470: almost always
(9:15:28 AM) Marguaritte: hehehehe
(9:17:10 AM) cah1470: oh and now I am going home
(9:17:20 AM) Marguaritte: oh?
(9:17:22 AM) cah1470: because I forgot to check my checking account yesterday
(9:17:32 AM) cah1470: and I had a gas charge I forgot about
(9:17:42 AM) cah1470: and so I was $7 short on my account
(9:17:50 AM) Marguaritte: :(
(9:17:51 AM) cah1470: money I have in my savings by the way
(9:17:58 AM) cah1470: so now I have $105 in fees
(9:18:01 AM) cah1470: for a gas charge
(9:18:05 AM) cah1470: a pizza charge
(9:18:05 AM) Marguaritte: yikes
(9:18:24 AM) cah1470: and $18.95 at value city
(9:18:34 AM) Marguaritte: I’m sorry
(9:18:46 AM) cah1470: so I am $112.77 in the red
(9:18:53 AM) cah1470: and $105 of it is fees
(9:18:59 AM) cah1470: how can I win like that?
(9:19:06 AM) cah1470: and a broken air conditioner
(9:19:19 AM) cah1470: and vomit in tea
(9:19:26 AM) cah1470: and a wrecked car
(9:19:34 AM) cah1470: and I want to kill myself right now
(9:19:37 AM) cah1470: I honestly do
(9:19:39 AM) Marguaritte: please don't
(9:19:43 AM) Marguaritte: oh, I know that feeling
(9:19:46 AM) Marguaritte: but please don't
(9:20:15 AM) cah1470: oh and Corey attacked one of the teachers yesterday
(9:20:19 AM) cah1470: scratched up her arms
(9:20:23 AM) cah1470: I forgot to add that :)
(9:21:38 AM) cah1470: and it's because I am not on my game
(9:21:50 AM) cah1470: 5 years ago I would never have left my checking account unattended
(9:22:13 AM) cah1470: I was home I have a computer there is really no excuse for me to not have checked last night and moved money from my savings account if I needed to
(9:22:23 AM) cah1470: but I am just so tired of just about everything
(9:22:26 AM) cah1470: I didn't want to move
(9:22:28 AM) cah1470: it was hot
(9:22:42 AM) cah1470: I kept calling Corey back because he kept going towards the kitchen
(9:23:22 AM) cah1470: I knew what he wanted to do and I knew no matter how many times I called him back, no matter how many times I caught him before he went down there, he only needed one time to do it
(9:23:32 AM) cah1470: and of course sooner or later he was going to get his chance
(9:23:50 AM) cah1470: and it was just too frustrating I didn't log on to the computer...I didn't even turn my television on
(9:24:13 AM) Marguaritte: I'm so sorry
(9:24:24 AM) cah1470: I just laid in my bed and told Corey to go back every time I saw him pass me until I finally fell asleep and of course when I woke up at 3:00
(9:24:27 AM) cah1470: guess where he was?
(9:24:22 AM) Marguaritte: I was going to walk over there and give you a hug
(9:24:27 AM) Marguaritte: but my card key isn't working
(9:24:39 AM) cah1470: no don't I am too messy for visitors
(9:24:42 AM) Marguaritte: the kitchen?
(9:24:43 AM) Marguaritte: LOL
(9:24:45 AM) cah1470: yep
(9:24:56 AM) cah1470: and I just want to kick something you know?
(9:25:03 AM) cah1470: I work so hard and it doesn't matter
(9:25:14 AM) Marguaritte: well, it doesn't matter because my key wouldn't let me in traffic and it wouldn't let me back in this building either, Josh had to let me in
(9:25:15 AM) Marguaritte: yes, I do
(9:25:16 AM) cah1470: it only takes one night when I don't feel like checking my account
(9:25:31 AM) Marguaritte: I often want to kick something or kill myself
(9:25:38 AM) cah1470: or one moment when I close my eyes and what I am trying to avoid is going to happen
(9:26:24 AM) Marguaritte: yeah
(9:26:38 AM) Marguaritte: I do understand
(9:26:56 AM) cah1470: and I am slipping I can't even keep up with it like I used to
(9:27:10 AM) cah1470: Cameron destroyed the handles last year so I can't lock the refrigerator anymore
(9:27:31 AM) cah1470: I figured out how to lock the glass doors so Corey can't escape so we are right back to the refrigerator dramas again
(9:27:45 AM) cah1470: 15 years of one horrible thing I can't control or another
(9:27:50 AM) cah1470: and I am so weary of it
(9:27:51 AM) cah1470: all of it
(9:27:59 AM) Marguaritte: I know, I know
(9:30:41 AM) cah1470: the whole account thing is because the daycare has had trouble with a few of the parents not paying tuition on time
(9:31:07 AM) cah1470: so even though Cam has been going there for almost 4 years and I have always paid on time they would no longer allow me to pay every 2 weeks
(9:31:20 AM) cah1470: I used to pay for the current week and the following week each time I got paid
(9:31:47 AM) cah1470: but now I have to pay the Monday of the current week and no later so I had to pay them $495 to get cam 2 weeks ahead
(9:31:54 AM) cah1470: in addition to my mortgage
(9:32:16 AM) cah1470: so now I am 117 dollars in the rear with no a/c and I honestly am at the end of the line
(9:32:30 AM) cah1470: and bitching and moaning which I hate to do
(9:32:39 AM) cah1470: I just hate whining or feeling like whining
(9:32:42 AM) cah1470: it doesn't serve anything
(9:38:44 AM) Marguaritte: but sometimes you need to do it
(9:38:51 AM) cah1470: yeah I guess
(9:38:54 AM) cah1470: but I hate it
(9:39:24 AM) Marguaritte: I could probably float you a little money if it would help
(9:39:47 AM) cah1470: no don't do that a money hole only grows bigger when you borrow
(9:39:56 AM) cah1470: I appreciate it but I will just have to suffer through
(9:40:01 AM) Marguaritte: I know, I'm just saying
(9:40:08 AM) cah1470: it was my mistake and I do have money in my savings account
(9:40:16 AM) cah1470: that is really the biggest point of it really
(9:40:20 AM) Marguaritte: but if you ever need lunch or something, I don't mind buying a friend lunch or giving her gas money
(9:40:25 AM) cah1470: I am going to pay $105 for negligence
(9:40:30 AM) cah1470: not because I didn't have the money
(9:40:40 AM) Marguaritte: it's been the foundation of my friendship w/ Daf for years. ;)
(9:40:45 AM) cah1470: :) lol
(9:41:11 AM) Marguaritte: I'm serious though
(9:42:03 AM) cah1470: yeah I know
(9:42:13 AM) cah1470: honestly I have money to make it until payday
(9:42:25 AM) cah1470: all the purchases cleared
(9:42:34 AM) cah1470: my frustration is in paying $105 for neglect
(9:42:41 AM) cah1470: I don't have money to make mistakes like that
(9:43:16 AM) cah1470: all the money I saved at value city to have a bag full of stuff for $18.95 is blown because I paid $35 in fees for the charge
(9:43:16 AM) Marguaritte: yeah, I understand
(9:43:41 AM) cah1470: it's days like today that make me hate Malfoy even more
(9:43:48 AM) cah1470: she is already in Lee's office complaining
(9:44:07 AM) cah1470: according to Jon her dad gives her more than $10,000 a year in help
(9:44:28 AM) cah1470: she doesn't have anything really to be unhappy about and yet she whines
(9:44:35 AM) cah1470: constantly
(9:44:40 AM) cah1470: I want to be like
(9:44:45 AM) cah1470: hey switch with me for a day
(9:44:57 AM) cah1470: I will show you what you are supposed to bitch and moan about
(9:46:53 AM) cah1470: and I think how is it she can be such a bitch and have everything work out and I can try to be nice at all times and nothing will work out
(9:47:37 AM) Marguaritte: I know, I know
(9:47:45 AM) Marguaritte: you know I know, LOL
(9:47:58 AM) cah1470: yes I do which is why I am on this pity party of mine
(9:48:03 AM) Marguaritte: I feel like I've done the best I can my whole life and it's not good enough
(9:48:04 AM) cah1470: but I will get over it in a few minutes
(9:48:08 AM) Marguaritte: :)
(9:48:17 AM) Marguaritte: well, I'm not much help but you can bitch to me all you want
(9:48:22 AM) Marguaritte: I understand the need
(9:48:24 AM) cah1470: thanks :)
(9:48:30 AM) Marguaritte: but, hey, bright side, Newsletter's done
(9:48:44 AM) Marguaritte: sending it off for approval
(9:49:31 AM) cah1470: yay!
(9:49:45 AM) Marguaritte: yup
(9:49:49 AM) cah1470: you would think at my age I would know better though...I know things aren't fair
(9:49:49 AM) Marguaritte: sent off
(9:50:00 AM) cah1470: I don't know why I am still raging about it at this late date
(9:50:04 AM) Marguaritte: that doesn't change the fact that it sucks
(9:50:31 AM) cah1470: yeah I guess that is it in a nutshell
(9:50:39 AM) cah1470: I know it's fact but I hate it
(9:50:39 AM) Marguaritte: :)
(9:50:44 AM) Marguaritte: exactly

HNT-36

2007-08-02T09:23:00.001-04:00

Typically I won't bring attention to my body parts. I probably wouldn't notice if someone paid attention anyway. But a co-worker made a comment on Monday about how she hates talking to another co-worker because he never gives her eye contact, he is always staring at her breasts. And it dawned on me I don't have that problem. I will admit I don't have big breasts and for the most part I dress conservatively but I have a couple of tops that bring my breasts front and center. And it makes me curious...Do I need fake breasts, the kind that could pass for a floatation device? Or double D cups that without a bra hang to my navel? Are those the type of breasts I need in order to get a little inappropriate staring? I am just wondering...

Oh btw Happy HNT.

Dirty Little Secret...

2007-07-31T23:01:00.000-04:00

Yes folks it's true I am a Harry Potter Nut I love the books the movies...you name it and I am hooked. I can even be found on a few of the fan fic sites but I never comment for fear I will be caught :)

I ordered the book online to avoid the madness but it has been much too crazy in my world to sit down and read it. Everyday when I come home and see the book on my nightstand I get annoyed. I haven't been on eljay much either trying to avoid spoilers. But this weekend I am going to read it no matter what ;)

What is the big deal?

2007-07-29T20:53:00.000-04:00

What is the big deal was a common question of mine when I was a kid/teenager. And it drove my mom crazy every time I asked her. But I couldn't figure out why everything had to be so serious all the time. It was one of the things I hated about mom's church and the Christian life as it was presented to me then. Every action, every decision was life or death. Things that my friends would do mistakes they would make for me were eternal life decisions. No 12 year old wants to worry about burning in hell if they wear a mini skirt to school. Or at least I didn't...

One of the things that drives me crazy with Corey is the rules... structure...regimen. EVERYTHING is a big deal with him. When we eat, when we don't, where we go, how many people are there, which direction did I take when we go somewhere. What is he wearing? And sometimes I just want to scream WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL! Some days I just want to leave the house without fulfilling the laundry list of things I have to in order to go without a meltdown. Some days I want to stay home and watch movies all day on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Some days I want to stay in bed until 10:00. But I can't do any of those things without paying a very high price and some days it does drive me crazy.

This week was one of those "what is the big deal weeks." Corey didn't want to stay with V probably partly because of the weeks he spent with her while I was wearing the cast. But I also think it is because I am more accommodating to his whims than the day support people are or even V is. Partly because I am his mom and I want him to be as happy and comfortable as he can be. But the other reason is out of necessity. I really can't afford Corey's meltdowns...financially or emotionally. I find I will do most anything to prevent them. But I don't think I am going to find a day support staff or AFL person who is willing to do the same. I keep hoping with medication, his new classroom, and redirection he will learn to accept it can't always go the way he wants when he wants. And then I will think of that scene in the movie "Rain Man" Tom Cruise's character is in a phone booth and he is trying to figure out how to get to California with his autistic brother who is not going to be accommodating. The entire time he is on the phone Raymond is going on about his underwear from K-mart. Then Tom's character finally loses it and begins screaming as he is pacing down the street "what is the big deal about K-mart underwear...

I can't tell you how many times that has been me screaming running from the phone booth.

HNT-35

2007-07-26T19:25:00.000-04:00

Kimba mentioned Fusion bringing her a ring a few weeks back. I have no idea what made me think of that but since I did...This ring is the only yellow gold I own. My mom bought the ring for my 30th birthday despite the fact that I typically don't wear yellow gold and my birthstone is amethyst my mom decided on a ruby ring with yellow gold :) It was a real ruby with flaws and everything. And the setting had glue you could see holding the stone to the prongs by a thread. It was not the most tasteful ring I had ever seen but it was a gift from my mom. And the gift was her in spades...she prefers me in red so she bought a ruby...she prefers yellow gold and could never understand my preference for white so she bought yellow.

A couple of years ago I lost the stone but I couldn't bring myself to get rid of the ring. About a year or so ago I dug the ring out of a drawer and decided to replace the stone with my birthstone and I began wearing it. Still not a lot but every once in awhile I will.

Happy belated HNT...

ENNEGRAM Test

2007-07-24T22:54:00.000-04:00

Your Score: 5 - the Observer

you chose BZ - your Enneagram type is FIVE (aka "The Thinker").

"I need to understand the world"

Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

Be independent, not clingy.
Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
don't come on like a bulldozer.
Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.

What I Like About Being a FIVE

standing back and viewing life objectively
coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
not being caught up in material possessions and status
being calm in a crisis

What's Hard About Being a FIVE

being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

FIVEs as Children Often

spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
have a few special friends rather than many
are very bright and curious and do well in school
have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

FIVEs as Parents

are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

No Problems...

2007-07-22T20:48:00.000-04:00

Well for once I don't have anything to complain about :) Corey was accepted into the new after school and so far it has been a smooth transition. Corey has been in the autistic community since he was 3 so we typically find at least one person who knows him or knows someone who has worked with him. And this new facility is no exception which is a very good thing.

Corey has been calm and very easy to live with the last couple of weeks. He hasn't been hitting the walls or me :) He has been sleeping fairly well but more importantly when he is awake he is watching television or playing quietly in his room. My mom took Cam and my nephew to a water park/amusement park for the weekend. They left Friday afternoon and they are coming back sometime today. Usually Corey will flip if he doesn't see Cam at home. He is nobody's dummy and he knows Cam is typically out doing something fun while he is left at home. But this weekend not a peep...He didn't ask for Cam one time. He seemed so happy to be at home just me and him. I even made a quick dash to the mall on Saturday without a meltdown...

HNT-34

2007-07-19T00:22:00.000-04:00

Is it HNT again? I swear Thursdays roll around so quickly. This is a kind of boring pic. Just me during lunch the other day in my pink sun glasses and my favorite $3 top...

Happy HNT.

Tangled...

2007-07-17T12:56:00.000-04:00

When I drove into the parking lot of the potential summer camp/after school for Corey I ran into the executive assistant. She was taking a roll away cooler out of her car. The students had just returned from Ray's Splash Planet a water park in town. She gave me a very warm smile...I should insert here that I probably get warm and friendly about 35% of the time. Most of the people I encounter are worn out...worn out parents, worn out teachers and staff, and disconnected administrators. Who just want to follow the rules and regulations set forth with little interaction with the students none if they can manage it. So I was immediately put at ease by the executive assistant's warm and friendly greeting. I introduced myself and told her I was there for my son Corey. Then her smile grew bigger..."oh I knew the child's name they didn't tell me the parents name..." we walked into the school and then I heard V exclaim. It turns out she knows the executive assistant they are good friends and have been since their school years. This is looking good so far. I met the director and my case manager arrived. Corey was tired so he was very low key. I almost wish he was wound up so they could get some idea of what he can be like but...We talked, they gave us a tour, and the director said "of course we have room for Corey...we wouldn't think of turning him down."

So why am I tangled? Well 1st off they were given a year contract with the school system to provide after school for the special needs students at Corey's new school. And the school system has decided not to renew their contract. My case manager says it's because they are a faith based program and because they didn't want to be confined to the one room the school allotted for them. They thought being in the special needs school would mean they could finally branch out and do more activities with the students. I am all for that so I can appreciate the split...BUT the autistic society is going to open some type of after school in their place. During our meeting the director had no problem making her issue with the school system and the autistic society known. Everyone reading this blog knows I have had my share of issues with them too but the one thing I try not to do is boil it all down to race. Make no mistake race is a part of the issue. Corey is big and he can be aggressive but part of the fear and the unease comes from his race without question. It's a simple fact one that I am aware of and live with so I don't see any need to bash people over the head with it. Besides people are uncomfortable with anything outside of the norm...this is also a fact. So a lot of the prejudices I deal with are also because of Corey's disability not his race. The meeting and what the director said was not a big deal in itself...but I did feel a little like the director said "don't worry I speak jive" and took an approach I am not comfortable with in the process. And it also kind of bothered me the assumption because I am black, I have been vocal, I am a big advocate for Corey, and because I don't mind going toe to toe with the school system I would automatically side with them. It never occurred to V or my case manager I might want to look into the program the autistic society will run at the beginning of the school year. The 2nd issue which is a little more surprising for me was the religious talk. I grew up in the church and I am surrounded by it. V has never had a conversation with me that didn't involve leaving it to the Lord, asking the Lord, trusting in the Lord and so on. And frankly because she is around the same age as my mom and she talks religious like my mom I never give it a 2nd thought. But when the director and her staff kept doing it for some reason it filled me with unease....That's the word! The word this tangled post has been looking for, the word is UNEASE. They were very nice, they have a good facility, they have plenty of staff, ok I am being silly now and I am watering down very good news...

The bottom line...the interview went well. They have a competent staff with plenty of male personnel who can provide one on one. They can also provide transportation when Corey is not in school. They are very active with several activities and field trips planned throughout the rest of the summer. And they have actual daycare hours so V and I can go to work without making additional arrangements to fill in for the extra hour in the morning and in the evening. But I think I should add V did send me an email afterwards which began with "if this place is for real it could be the answer to our prayers" and she said it all in that sentence...I guess you could say I am relieved but also cautiously optimistic.

Problems part 2...

2007-07-13T22:49:00.000-04:00

Well Corey was booted out of after school on Wednesday. I was very upset and concerned but after a couple of days I feel better about things. The after school is going to close in a few weeks anyway and the bottom line is they didn't want Corey there. I am sure it wasn't a good situation for him and I need to find a new spot anyway. Corey's case manager has a line on a potential place. She is going to meet with them on Tuesday and if all goes well I will meet with them later next week. It would be great to have a few weeks for Corey to get acclimated to the new after school before school begins. It would be very helpful if he doesn't have a new school and after school to deal with at the same time. I also received my letter from Corey's new school. His teacher will be someone we know...he was Corey's teacher during the summer a few times. It eases my mind a bit having someone he knows and also a male. His teacher is also someone who has been teaching in an autistic classroom for more than 10 years. In the meantime V and I are taking turns keeping Corey...both of us have jobs to deal with so the situation isn't ideal. But at least I have V to share this burden with. In the past I have taken a leave of absence or used all my PTO when things like this happened.

Problems...

2007-07-10T22:43:00.000-04:00

Finding after school for Corey...huge problem. I knew before I started that there weren't any other providers for developmental day but knowing it and living with it are two entirely different things. I have a little more than a month before Corey starts his new school. And I don't have any idea what I am going to do with him after school ends @3:00. But that is not the problem I want to write about tonight.

Cam is hurting because his dad is an ass...very big problem. Cam cried Sunday night because he hasn't heard from his dad in 3 weeks. It all came to a head because I took them to get their haircut on Saturday for the 1st time. But this problem has been brewing for quite awhile. I made the decision to stop allowing hubby to use the boys to engage me. I made the decision to stop crawling for him to pay them attention. I made the decision to accept he isn't going to choose to be there for them if he can't be with me. And in making it I have made the decision to allow the hurt I have been avoiding for my son's sake for a long time. But that isn't the problem I want to write about either.

No...
With 2 closets filled you might think more room is the problem. Or the 2 closets with shoes packed front back and sideways; too many to capture in my quick snapshot is my problem. But...well it might be a small problem ;) But the real issue is my ankle. You see out of all of these boxes with the exception of my sneakers I don't own a pair of flats. All of my sandals, pumps, clogs, even the slides have heels. In most cases very high heels. And right now they are not a friend to my ankle. So I have decided there is only one thing to do to fix this issue....

I need to go shopping and find some flats :)

Saturday Snapshot...

2007-07-07T13:16:00.000-04:00

We had the best dinner here...I must admit to stealing T's pic she does a very good impersonation of a Japanese tourist. I am sure she took twice as many pictures. Anyway this restaurant aside from providing the best 5 course french meal I ever had. Hell the best meal I have ever had...also has a very prestigious wall of fame. But I must admit I wasn't impressed by which actor or football player ate there. Who cares when you are eating beef bisque that melts in your mouth? I was much more impressed with the 300 year old mirror from Paris. But hey I am a dork I never denied this.

The 4th...

2007-07-05T14:11:00.000-04:00

I had a pretty good holiday. Tuesday is one of the weeknights Corey spends with V. We decided to stick with the schedule because Corey had such a meltdown when I was in New Orleans. A meltdown that could be measured on the Richter scale I think. So we wanted to keep things as normal as possible this week. It never even occurred to me that after 3 months away from home Corey would not appreciate me leaving town, even for a short period of time. Anyway with Corey at V's I decided to take Cam to see the Transformers movie (awful), yeah the movie was awful. I swear do you have to turn off your brain completely to watch television or movies these days? I hate to sound like a snob but good grief pretty soon our kids will be eating the seats at the rate we are going. Cam wasn't impressed, he likes the cartoon but it didn't translate I guess. But he loved going to a movie in peace just me and him. And speaking of eating the seats when did everybody become so damn rude???? When T and I were leaving the concert we had not 1, not 2, but at least 10 guys almost knock us down to get to their cars. What happened to trying to get my phone number fellas now you are so stressed to get out of the parking lot you would trample a girl before you would try to talk to her I think. Then we had the brats at the movie theatre talking, mom has to answer every question asked in her normal speaking voice because we just have to be seen don't we? And then the fireworks. I love them let me state that for the record. I love fireworks...we go see them downtown every year and when I get home I watch them again on PBS without fail. But my neighbor took it to the extreme. I thought he was going to set my back yard on fire and after about 1:30 in the morning I had lost my sense of humor. Joey hid in the bushes for most of the day because they started firing them at about 8:00 in the morning. By the time we got back from the fireworks downtown I thought the poor dog was going to have a nervous breakdown. Not to mention Corey who really hates all the commotion. So finally @1:30 I went over...did I mention it was 1:30 in the morning? I asked in the calmest most polite tone of voice I could find umm hello 1:30...And asked them if they could kill the fireworks, firecrackers, bottle rockets, cannons, yelling, screaming kids, music, screaming adults...of course all this was condensed to one single word "ruckus" Excuse me it's late and I have to go to work in a few hours could you kill the ruckus???? I love southern dialect makes life simple. So what does my neighbor say? A very stately Japanese fellow with 2 beautiful daughters his wife and mother. They have at least 2 cookouts every month in the summer with the cars going all the way down the street and I have never...EVER knocked on his door and complained. But this morning I had an upset 15 year old and a shaking puppy, it was 1:30 in the morning, and I had to go to work (unfortunately). He said "this is my property I can make as much noise as I want!" Really? Oh REALLY? So yeah I called the police. It has finally happened, sigh. I am not cool, I am not with the in crowd, I am officially my grandmother...I called the police on my neighbor. It's illegal to have fireworks...and dumb to have them in our neighborhood with all the old trees, not to mention the drought we have been in.

But overall the holiday was great :)

I am not surprised...

2007-07-02T15:55:00.001-04:00

I stole this test from Oblivion and Fusion I can't say I am surprised by the results...I am sort of a plain Jane but I have my moments. I am back from the big easy and I had a great time but today I am too tired to write about it. Maybe tomorrow.

You Are 52% Pure

You're usually the typical girl or guy next door...
But you also have a secret naughty side!

How Pure Are You?

HNT-33

2007-06-28T09:19:00.000-04:00

I have always been a fan of yoga pants and athletic wear but I didn't wear it much. I use clothes and my appearance as a way to change my mood. And I find that I feel better when I am dressed somewhat nicely. Since the ankle I can't wear heels for more than a couple of hours. So I am wearing my yoga pants and athletic stuff a lot more. Mostly because the only shoes I own that don't have a heel are my sneakers. The really strange thing is I get a lot more compliments in these yoga pants than I do in a nice pair of slacks...Do you think they are checking out my butt? Nah, probably not ;)

Happy HNT.

Shoot, Shoot, Shoot...

2007-06-26T14:03:00.000-04:00

It is with regret that I write this letter. Due to personal constraints and the drastic reduction in enrollment we will have to suspend the Day Supports Program (After-School/Out-of-School) effective August 21st (last day of summer program).

There was more but I stopped reading after the 1st paragraph and began a stream of expletives that I will probably be ashamed of tomorrow. Oh and kicking things you know a full fledged tantrum. This is such bad news...Of course it comes after a successful school move and an agreeable neurologist who seems to have found the right medication. As if I had too many things going right in a song that is always off key I should have seen this coming, expected it even. But I didn't and right now I am sitting here with the biggest lump in my throat. It's not a big deal the after school is closing things like this happen. But I already know there aren't any others that serve 15 year old autistic boys in my area. And I already know from experience how Corey will respond to yet another new schedule and new group of people. He has a new school to adjust to and now this???? I feel exhausted. I feel angry. I want to scream NOT FAIR as loud as I can. And if I thought it would do any good I would scream. I might scream anyway whether it does any good or not.

A picture is worth a thousand words

2007-06-25T22:22:00.000-04:00

Does this answer your question finished last??? Of course I am posting the pic because you asked and also because I am not in the mood to write. In a few days I will be on my way to New Orleans...Woot! So I figured why not post more of my embarassing collection.

Old...

2007-06-22T13:21:00.001-04:00

Last week I finally purchased the media cabinet I have had my eye on from Pier 1. I wanted to use the right pier that before housed all of my CDs and music for my wine glasses and china. Anyway I have a cabinet at the bottom of the pier that I kept all my cassettes in...Yes you didn't misread my cassettes. I am a pretty big music fan always have been. I have albums my 1st was "Off the Wall" I used my birthday money to buy it thank you very much. And I bought albums from that time when I was 7 or 8 until I guess I was about 11. Then I started to buy cassettes. And for a long time I didn't want to let the cassettes go. I couldn't see buying CDs to replace cassettes I already had. And frankly I had been there done that with my albums. Just how many times was a poor girl like me supposed to buy all new music anyway??? So I kept the cassettes I have a stereo and I play my albums, cassettes, and now CDs (yeah I am slow with the MP3 player if you don't understand why please read above ;) Anyway back to the cabinet I honestly had forgotten how many cassettes I had hidden in there. But it's more than a handful as you can see. I couldn't figure out what to do with them. I mean you look cool when you pull out a Ray Charles album that your grandfather bought but typically your Journey "Escape" cassette doesn't get the same respect. So I went out and finally found a crate to hide them in on Sunday. And I must admit Cam and I had a great time playing my cassettes Sunday night. He kept asking the questions only a 10 year old would like..."wow you mean you have to stand here and wait for it to rewind? What if I only want to here the last song on this side?" Umm well I guess you are going to have rewind...wait...stop...forward...rewind again...and wait some more... :)

BTW the cassettes are stacked 4 deep and all the way across in case you were wondering.

HNT-32

2007-06-21T09:29:00.000-04:00

32 HNTs...it's hard to imagine 32 HNTs and this is the 1st one of my eyes. Very boring I know but hey in this pic I am wearing make-up! This may not seem like a big deal but for me it is...so anyway....Happy HNT.

Drama Free Zone

2007-06-19T22:49:00.000-04:00

So far so good Corey has been home and I am not wearing a cast...sounds like a win to me. He has been calmer and he seems relieved to be home. I haven't used the sleep aid but I also haven't seen the doctor yet to suggest the metalonin, I plan to at the next appointment. But frankly right now Corey is calm, he has been sleeping at night, he is not driving his brother crazy, and again I am not wearing a cast :)

What else? The Sopranos..loved the ending. The writers had trained me to be antsy and suspicious just like Tony and I think that was the point of the last scene. If I had watched the scene when the show began I wouldn't have thought much of it a family out to dinner but now everyone looked suspect...was the guy going to the bathroom an agent? what's up with the lady at the counter and on and on. Very cool ending.

I am usually the odd man out...gossip bores me, I would rather be stoned than talk about Paris Hilton or Idol, I don't have some relationship that I don't plan to end or work on but feel compelled to talk about endlessly, and I honestly don't like to tear other people down. Where am I going? Work oh my god WORK. I have been using the word petty quite a bit lately and I don't want to come off like a snob who is so enlightened and above it all. But man life is too short to waste time on petty bullshit...ok rant over.

What else else? Top Chef thank goodness season 3 has begun with the Sopranos and The Tudors finished I wouldn't have anything decent to watch. This new batch of chefs looks pretty good and Trey my, my, my he looks very good and he can cook what more do I need to be entertained this summer?

Two Things...

2007-06-18T15:14:00.000-04:00

I shamelessly stole this from Kimba...

Two Names You Go By
1 Cat
2 Mom

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. blue shorts (hey it's 98 degrees today)
2. light blue tank

Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship:
1. unconditional love
2. openness and freedom to grow together

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. listen to music
2. lately...sleep

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. another day off
2. a passionate kiss

Two pets you had/have:
1. Lab/Sharpei mix-Joey I bought her for Cam's 10th birthday
2. Candy-the dog me and my brother had growing up

Two things you did last night:
1. watched "Daddy's Little Girl"
2. had a very serious conversation with Cam on why he is NOT old enough to stay up until 11 pm

Two things you ate today:
1. hooks and ladders sub from Firehouse Subs
2. 2 grams of fat animal crackers...I eat them most mornings they are the perfect match to my 4 cups of coffee ;)

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. MNG
2. Cam

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. working
2. commuting (I swear I spend half of my life in the car)

Two Favorite Holidays: (like christmas or vacation?)
1. Thanksgiving & 4th of July
2. New Orleans (Mardi Gras 2000) & D.C. with MNG

Two Books you recently read
1. "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson
2. "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston (this month's book club choice)

Two things you wish you did better
1. make friends, open up to people
2. fail...you can't learn if you are afraid to fail and unfortunately I HATE to fail

Two shows you watch on tv
1. Entourage
2. Top Chef

naughty section

Two things you liked to do sexually that you haven't done or don't do often
1. sex while restrained...I just don't have the time for it that I would like
2. luxuriate...I am usually on a tight schedule I don't have the time to take my time...

Two places outside of bed you have had sex.
1. bathroom floor (me and hubby were quite pathetic in this area...it's no wonder all my friends hated me during this time we were notorious for having sex wherever whenever)
2. in the car (so cliche and embarrassing)

Two times you had sex and could have been arrested.
1. in public (read above)
2. when D rigged the ropes on the ceiling in the hotel...I am not sure we are allowed to damage hotel property

Two things you wish your lover would do more of.
1. I don't have any complaints with what my lovers do just the time we have to do them...
2. maybe kiss...I miss the intimacy, and the connection that comes from having someone in your life you can kiss whenever you want

HNT-31

2007-06-14T23:45:00.000-04:00

Cast and fancy free :) But the heels were a mistake my ankle isn't quite ready for that.

Anyway it's late, very late but...

Happy HNT.

1988...

2007-06-11T22:30:00.000-04:00

Stolen from Serenity:

1. Go to the Billboard #1 Hits listings (scroll down and you’ll see them separated by decades on the left in the sidebar)
2. Pick the year you turned 18
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the songs of the year
4. Pick 5 songs and write something about how these songs affected you
5. Pass it on to 5 more friends

I happen to love 80s music but I had a hard time finding songs I really liked on Billboard #1 in 1988 go figure...

Faith - George Michael-ok I can't deny I love George Michael I had all of his albums in 1988 even the ones with Wham and I still listen to his greatest hits CD from time to time. My mom had a problem with all my British Pop music between Boy George and George Michael she was beginning to wonder if I only listened to gay men. Of course I assured her that George Michael was not gay...at least he wasn't to me in 1988 lol.

Roll With It - Steve Winwood-I like Steve Winwood and I did own this album.

Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N' Roses-oh dear lord did I hate this song and I am actually a Guns N' Roses fan...Welcome to the Jungle was our class song after all. But this song? Hated it and I swear it's all I heard the summer of 88.

Don't Worry Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin- ok, ok, I will admit to humming this song. It is just one of those songs that you say you hate and deep down probably do but you still can't help singing it or at least I can't help it. Come on now...don't worry be happy hehehehe...

Love Bites - Def Leppard- another hair band that I love but another song that I hate. I am having a hard time with this list LOL.

Groovy Kind Of Love - Phil Collins-what was Phil thinking? You don't make "I Don't Care Anymore" or "Home by the Sea" with Genesis and then come out with "Groovy Kind of Love" it's just wrong don't you think?

Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison-"every rose has it's thorn...just like every night has it's dawn...just like every cowboy sings his sad sad song...every rose has it's thorn" I am guessing here folks but I think my memory is fairly close :) You could not exist in my neck of the woods and not hear and know this song...

If you are reading this and you are bored consider yourself tagged.

Saturday Snapshot

2007-06-09T23:08:00.000-04:00

My nephew had his birthday party at Chuckee Cheese today and I was brave (foolish) enough to bring Cam. Corey and I stayed for a bit and then went shoe shopping because he was in desperate need of a new pair.

Corey did very well today...it's Saturdays like these that remind me of the days before puberty. When Corey's autism was just an extra chapter and not the whole book.

HNT-30

2007-06-07T08:56:00.000-04:00

It's HNT time again and I am finally out of the boot/cast. But I think I have exhausted the leg series for awhile so I will try something new.

Happy HNT.

Foolish...

2007-06-04T22:02:00.000-04:00

I haven't had many opportunities to be foolish. I have always been too broke, or had too many responsibilities, or was too cautious, or most importantly too afraid of failing to be foolish. "What better place for two dorks to indulge but the nation's capital?" my words and after I wrote that post in my journal I realized I was actually going to accept MNG's invitation. He planned the whole trip...a train ride in a sleeper car on our way there the whole nine. And I didn't tell a soul about him or about the trip. Extremely foolish...I can hear my mom right now with all the what ifs...He could be a serial killer, he could hurt you, and the amusing part is he still can. But for some unknown reason I didn't care. I went and had the best time of my life. I never enjoyed a trip more, I never enjoyed my company more, and I can't think of another trip I have taken where every single moment of it was great. It has been a year since I first answered MNG's hi online. Since I met him for coffee and our friendship began. I am still very foolish where he is concerned...A pity I had to be over 35 to take the risk and picked the absolute worst person to take the risk with. But you know foolish or not I don't regret it, not one single moment of it...

Sedated...

2007-05-30T09:50:00.000-04:00

Me to V yesterday morning-I just wanted to send a quick note to check in and see how things went yesterday and this morning. Any issues?

V back to Me-we were on the go all day yesterday; so he was quite busy, but last night at 2:45 am he woke up and stayed up for about an hour; I think if we could incorporate the stronger night med; we should see a big change, I'm more concerned when he is with you; I think you will appreciate him being able to sleep through the night and of course I want that for me too, so think about that med to see if it will make a difference w/his erratic sleeping habits; or rather lack of...but other than that, he was fine.

Me back to V-Hubby said Corey woke up really early Saturday morning. But after a bath and them going out to breakfast he fell asleep in the truck on the way to my house and he took a long nap. His sleeping habits can be so erratic. He was fine with me Saturday he didn't sleep much Saturday night but he was fairly calm and the same was true for Sunday and Sunday night. I don't remember the doctor offering/mentioning a stronger sleep aid (sedative). I didn't think they gave people especially young people sedatives to take daily. But if there is one I am not against it, I will ask him at our next visit.

V back to Me-The doc said "should we increase it to a sedative" for sleeping after we said that so called sleeping pill did not work.. He said that was an option.

Me back to V-I will ask him about it when we see him again. I want to sleep normally again and I most importantly want Cam to. But I need to know this is a safe option. I honestly have never heard of kids taking a sedative everyday...I don't know anyone who takes a sedative everyday not even the students in Corey's class or Quincy...Does he? I just want to do the right thing for Cam and me of course but also I want to make sure it will be a safe solution for Corey too. So I will ask the doctor and if he thinks it's fine, then I don't have a problem with it.

Sigh...I keep saying I don't have a problem with a sedative but obviously I do have a problem with it. And I can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I not leaping at the chance for Corey to be asleep at night? Am I that big of an idiot? Or maybe I am just another attention seeker playing the victim? I don't know. I just feel like everyone wants me to drug Corey to the point where he is just sitting in a chair somewhere or sleeping. Is that the answer? For him to sleep and sit his life away since he is such a problem? Since he is so much work? And why am I not jumping at the chance to do just that? I don't have any idea what the two meds he is taking feels like for him. I don't know what Corey feels inside or if he is miserable. But I suspect every time he acts out in the cafeteria, every time he acts out with me, every time he is told no he feels just as frustrated as everyone trying to care for him does if not more so. There is no way I can say Corey is not out of hand, that his aggressive behavior has not become dangerous for him and everyone else. But he is 15 years old! I thought it was my job, hell my duty to do all I can to find ways to help him, to find ways to give him the highest quality of life he can have. Aren't the meds just there waiting for us when we have tried everything else we can try? Aren't sedatives the ultimate sign of giving up? Of saying there is no way to redirect there is no way to educate him and it's best if he just sleeps through his life? Dammit why am I so dramatic about this? Why does it upset me so much???? Well I said I would ask the doctor and if he said it was safe I would agree to them. And I am going to stick with that promise, no matter how conflicted I am over the prospect.

140..

2007-05-28T17:16:00.000-04:00

This is my 140th post, not very many when you check out my blogroll. I am not sure why it takes so much for me to crack out my one or two paragraphs but it really does. So what is up with me? This weekend has primarily been a lazy one. Corey seems so happy to be home and back in his routine but then he is also unhappy because the routine he has had for 2 months has changed. So we go back and forth between happy and calm and upset and aggressive. He grabbed my arms and pushed the thing I have been most concerned about and I held my ground (thank god). My ankle is a little sore but I have held my ground with Corey and I am not back in a cast so I consider that a win. I had most of my family show up on my doorstep Friday night for an impromptu cookout. Which turned into another cookout at my brother's on Saturday and a day of movies yesterday. It was nice to have everyone over...it was kind of a big deal. I have been worried now with Corey home things would go back to the way they were before. My family excludes me from most things because the people and the noise upset Corey. So it was a nice surprise to have my family not exclude me and Corey not get upset, at least for now. So I plan to enjoy this for as long as I can. Our new strategy is just to make it through the summer...keep things as scheduled and regimented as we can and then cross our fingers that the move next year will be a positive one.

Message in a Bottle

2007-05-25T23:40:00.000-04:00

In a month or so I will see a much older version of this live...